Almost November !! yay !

Happy Halloween !!

Its been a good day today, busy at work, got my hair done, and spent some quality time with mother and sister!

Im ovulating this weekend and this has been verified by the crampy pains and total tiredness...DF has just asked if i want to be 'fertilised' - CHARMING !!!

Looking forward to a long lie tomorrow and the start of November, the month where im going to try and chill and spend some quality time on me.. Woo Hoo

Oh another upside is that i got a Take That ticket for June nxt year !..a whole crowd of us from work are going, it will be great - and something to look forward to after christmas, and by that timebit will be 11 months till my wedding !! yayyay !!

Its a short post tonight as im feeling good today - but im tired and off to bed...yawn !

1 Day To Go

One day to go till i see the back of this shitty month, October 2008 will go down as the worst month of my life ever ....

Things at work were a bit better today, it was pretty busy so there was a lock down on the babytalk... yay !! - i feel like a bitch for saying that cos i love hearing about it usually ....im just sooo not in THAT place right now !

Yesterday ended pretty much how the whole day went and in the end up i cried myself to sleep...its so hard pretending everything is ok, and that im strong, when im not - so clearly, i am not !

In my head i have us getting ivf , regardless of the nxt batch of results...and the 3 cycles failing, for a moment i allow myself to believe it may work and i may even get twins - i would love it !, then i think about how unlucky we have been and i get doubts creeping in !

So anyway, back to today, i was asked why ive been so quiet, quite a few times, people are noticing....fuk.....must try harder to be normal !! I want to say I CANT TAKE ANY MORE ...i cant listen to the baby talk right now....maybe tomorrow or next week, but right now you are slowly killing me - i didnt tho i was an angel

So more positive news, as a way of celebrating the end of this month i have decided im going to have a new me in November !! As of the 1st of November im starting my diet and gym routine...im going to make an effort to try and be a bit tanned up (i start this fake tanning routine but get bored easily), and im going to give myself little beauty treatment often and make sure i have lovely skin for christmas..

Im also getting my hair done tomorrow night...so that will take me nicely into November, which im looking forward to...

So tonight i gave you a more positive post, and can i just say how much i love my DF.....he just lay and cuddled me last night, he has been so worried as im not myself - he took me out tonight, just to the shops and to his cousins and i know it was just to get me out the house for a while !! He is the best !!

Oh this IF shit is not funny !!! - oh and im ovulating this weekend - should be fun !!

Hand me a gun please !!

I could scream this week at work, trillions of baby talk.....its hard going....i understand their excitement and they have no idea about my situation......i really like the girls im just really struggling this week !!

My pregnant friend took the huff today, usually i would be the one to try and bring someone out a mood, especially a friend, but i dont have the strength to do this, i shouldnt have too, my heart is sore and aching and my head is up my arse, you are pregnant and going to have exactly what i may not be able to have so what the fek have u got to be so moody about !!..i know hormones are to blame but this friend was in almost the exact same situation only a few months ago, only difference being she has a child already - gorgeous wee girly.

Im really bored too and this isnt helping, im struggling to motivate myself, the dark nights are coming in and when i get home i dnt want to go back out to the gym ... i need too, i will NOT have a doctor putting any IF treatment on hold till i lose weight. I WILL DO IT !!

Im just really really down just now, i cried for the first time in probably a week...it hasnt helped !!

Psychic Help ??

Tomorrow night my mum and i are off to see Colin Fry live. I do believe in this kind of stuff, altho im not expecting anyone to come through for me - i have asked by the way.....so grans, granda - any relatives if ur up there - surprise me !!

I logged into the Colin Fry website and saw a caption saying Positive Thought For The Day...

it read ' Dreams can only come true if you have confidence in yourself ' ....i like it !!

At the moment im struggling to have confidence in anything....its slowly coming back to me tho.

' Dont cry over someone who wont cry over you'...totally unrelated but i heard it last night and just wanted to keep a note of it !!

Im blogging everything just now, im enjoying it, its allowing me to free up some space in my head !!

A quest for positivity !!

In our quest to remain positive we decided that we were going to write down a list of 10 things each that we would do if we arent to be blessed with children. So this morning we sat and done it.......quickly right enough before the Chelsea v Liverpool game came on t.v.........ass hole !! lol

so My list is ..

1. New york - i love this city so much yet have never been there !

2. Los Angeles - purely for the glamour

3. Las Vegas - i love the lights !

4. Nice clothes - frequent shopping trips

5. Nice car - not the bubble im driving just now - ironically i got rid of the convertable when we started ttc....silly girl

6. Yearly abroad holidays

7. Good social life

8. Holiday Home

9. Regular pampering sessions

10. Doggy - (this is DF main thing- im going along with it .....im not a big animal lover)

DF list is ..

1. Vegas Baby (he actually wrote that - saddo)

2. A dog

3. A Caravan (his aunt has one on a fabby site on blackpool- we usually go twice a yr)

4. Nice Clothes

5. Supplements (he does natural bodybuilding)

6. New York ( i think this one is for me)

7. 1 abroad holiday per year

8. Season tickets (Celtic)

9. Nice Car

10. Regular Social Life

So we are going to keep these safe....and work our way thru them if the worst happens......fingers crossed we dont get to do it until we retire and the kids have left home !

Pondering on a Saturday Night !

Saturday was nice this week, i went to the gym in the avo and then we went out for dinner and to the cinema at night (Saw 5, scary shit), we needed to get out, just the 2 of us and start having some fun again!!
The restuarant was busy, full of groups of people or couples all out for the night - childless. I found myself looking at couples and wondering, have they got kids? if they do did they just get babysitters? - if they dont have any then they look so happy !! have they been through the same troubles with IF and have come out the other end childless but happy and content.......Will i be like them?? i know after a while if we had to hear the worst ever news that things would get better- there is no point in moping around forever - i just hope it doesnt come to that.
As i said to DF last night im so so so glad i met him all those years ago, i do believe i have found my soul mate with him, even if he had known way back then that there may have been an issue with children, i still would be with him - no question about it. I just dont want him blaming himself. Altho my bloods came back and im ovulating, i could still have blockages or something thats stopping his sperm meet my egg, everyone keeps saying it only takes 1, and if he has 600'000 then im sure one day one wee bugger could get through there...i Love him so much and i would be with him regardless.

Gym Bunny - this will become my new addiction

In this quest for our baby, im figuring that it would be best if i was in the best shape i could be. I am currently about a stone and a half to 2 stone overweight. I am going to attempt to become a gym bunny !!

If IVF is required i really dnt want some doctor telling me there is nothing that can be done until i lose weight or until my BMI is within whatever reasonable limit they have decided for this month...and at the same time my mum has said every time she lost a bit of weight she became pregnant !!! ...gotta give it a shot right!!

DF is the fittest guy i know, he trains at the gym, weight lifts and plays footie, he is so healthy that it is actually unfair his sperm count is low......all these guys out there who are on drugs and smoke and drink excessively and they are producing kids like theres no tomorrow !! Its an unfair world and thats for sure.

So as well as this blog being about out baby journey, it will incorporate our life in general and the journey to me attaining a new bod !! (and if it keeps me off google then all the better). x