Hogmanay 2008.......thank Fek it almost over !!

Yay a new year starts tomorrow, lets make it a good one !!

Oh and just quickly to pick up on my last post about the 22 month wait for ivf, this is because we get free cycles in the U.K, and its a 22 month waiting list at the moment, we can fund our own cycles and do it sooner, but we arent in a position to do that right now as we are saving hard for a wedding in May 2010! (and by tomorrow i can say im getting married next year ... yay )..

So nothing new really i got my letter from the gyn doc yesterday saying my ultrasound was clear, no problems via ultrasound, i knew that anyway as i had spoken to the receptionist last week sometime but at least i have it in writing now and we can get on with things !

Davie had his op yesterday, Bankharts procedure on his left shoulder, hes a wee sowel....its a really sore op anyway, and involves metalwork getting put in....ouch ! He is grey from pain, my heart goes out to him. I stayed with him yesterday in the hospital all day, it made me realise even more how much we can go thru all this IF stuff, as long as we are together nothing else matters, and if we arent going to be blessed with children then we still have each other, and i couldnt be without him now, my life wouldnt feel the same!! lol i hope he feel the same - im sure he does ...... sometimes...ha !

My boss in work text me today telling me she had given me 2 extra days off, as care leave to look after davie, i thought this was so so nice. Some people really so care!

So 2009 is going to be much more positive for me, or im going to make it as positive as it can possibly be....im gradually weaning out all the bad people in my life and am surrounding myself with positive people, people who care, and people i can rely on. Im glad to say thats most of the people i know, but as always there are a few duffers.

We are going out with friends for dinner tonight - depending on how DF feels obviously - to bring in the bells.

So anyway, Happy New Year to everyone when it comes, to all those still TTC whether it be naturally or with a little assistance from the reproductive fairies then Good Luck and i hope this is the year for us all......and for all those who have their bundles already then , enjoy, and please stick around to keep us all going !

Happy New Year - Welcome 2009.

Angels keep looking after us Please xxxx

Christmas Eve and a Good News Blog !!

Miracles can happen and im being positive !!

Well as per the last blog, we are referred !! Its 22 month wait......deep breathe and dont panic !!

I got my scan results yesterday and im fine, my ovaries and uterus LOOK fine from the ultrasound, and a while ago i got a progesterone level taken and i was ovulating fine, so it looks like im in working order...

Now i know other tests could prove otherwise, but im taking this as a good sign !!

Im happy !!

Just getting organised for santa coming - yes he still comes to my house, i have a great family who still spoil me rotten and a fabulous fiance who spoils me too !

Off to my mums tomorrow for dinner.....cant wait, and im going to relax and totally enjoy it !!

Merry Christmas !. x x x x x

The Results are in !!

Nerves were shattered all yesterday morning, tummy was flipping and i was sure we were going to be dealt another crappy card...after all we havent had much luck with this IF cack so far !!

Left for work and df left for the docs, ...he was going to phone me with the result.

Funny thing tho as i got in the car to get to work my radio came on ... and take thats new song had just started......'Today this could be ...... the greatest day of our life'....i thought to myself 'im taking that as a good sign'.

I drove to work with my phone in my hand, constantly checking that i had a signal, that it was on loud tone...blah blah ...

Anyway around 9.30 am (ish) the phone rings.....Oh God its him !! His voice didnt sound scared or worried.....i breathe out for the first time in about 2 hours. 'Its up a bit - one million'. (im assuming its 1 million per ml....so a good few million in the whole sample..YES...good news....oh and there is more, we have been referred to a uroligist and a fertility specialist .....EXCELLENT!!

This may sound crazy, but after the last results of 200'000/ml i was terrified we were going to go back for a result and be told there is none .... so to be told we have 1 million is good, now we know its still not enough, maybe enough now for a miracle but we still know we need treatment, so to then be referred and get this nasty little ball rolling is great news ! We are pleased...scared shitless but very pleased.

Df told his mum today.....she is upset for us (shes a bubbler lol)... she will be gr8 support tho as will her husband...(not df's dad....hes a tube and we dont talk to him).

So now its waiting times for appointments, both consultants we will see work in the hospital where i work, so im hoping to use my contacts to pull a wee appointment forward. Fingers crossed for that !!

We have a pathway now, IVF/ICSI at Glasgow Royal...i think the waiting list is about 2 years long...that gives them enough time to guarantee the medical advances to be sure i get pregnant - with twins !!! No pressure !

Results Looming, The Flu and Missed Ovulation!

Its been an eventfull week !!

Df semen analysis results are tomorrow morning, (fingers crossed they are either the same or better)..Not so nervous about these ones, we got our shock the last time.

I am LOADED with the flu, its horrible, have been off work since Tuesday, i feel like death..and to top it off i missed ovulation. Due to the muddled cycle of last month i think i should have ovulated at the weekend/beginning of this week...Df was away for a footie night out overnight and then ive been ill so we have completely missed it...

I find we arent 'trying' so hard since being given the results - we still 'try' but not to the extent we used to - dont know if this is a good or bad thing, i think we are just waiting to find out where we stand.

I know they usually like 3 samples before they refer us, but we are going to ask to be referred tomorrow. Df is going in for an op on the 30th Dec, this can temporarily reduce his count due to the shock to his body from surgery so the nxt set may not be accurate and im not waiting another 3 months.....we figure if we are referred its gonna take about 16 weeks before we see anyone anyway, so we can have another sample fitted in while we are on the list to be seen....Waiting times are getting longer and longer so i would rather be on that list now !!

Will update tomorrow .... **keep everything crossed please **

Ultrasound Sadists !!

Well i got my ultrasound today !!

That is an experience and a half....bladder must be full i was told !!

Bloody Hell

..

So drank like a fish and headed on round to ultrasound ...... by this time my back teeth were floating !!..I lie down and she pours freezing gel on my tummy....holy mother of God ..i really need to pee now !!!!....she sits the probe on my tummy and i ask proudly if my bladder is full enough for her....Not really she replies.....what does this woman want, cos i will pee her bed any more of it ....

Whoops too late......she prods that probe right into my tummy.....why the hell would u do that to someone who really needs to pee !! beatch

And then to top it all off she finished up and said 'results will be back to the doc in a week'....WTF ...i need more info than that lady ...

So i probed a bit more and asked if she would have been able to see cysts there....she said she would have ... but it looked fine.....thats it........ what looked fine?? my ovaries, my womb, the wet patch on my trousers from where she pushed too hard...my belly button piercing !! Come On Lady !!

The leaflet says....ultrasound with a full bladder please... sounds easy enough!!

What it should say .... Ultrasound with a full bladder, altho we wont be happy with how full ur bladder is anywayand to rub sat into the wound we will make u look 4 months pregnant..we will then attempt to make u pee ur pants with the freezing cold gel we will aim for ur lower tummy.....and if we fail to humiliate u then we will poke a probe into ur tummy till u pee ur pants.........we will then finish up and send u on ur merry way none the wiser and with a wet patch !! Charming lol..

It was actually ok....

Ah well results in a week (ish) and davies results on Friday !!

In nicer news my gr8 friend bought her first house today !! Congrats babe ...xx

The Bratz !

What a weekend, during a moment of madness we decided to take our niece and nephew overnight , they are 5 and 4 !! and usually hyper !!

They are a lovely wee pair, but are kinda used to getting their own way.

Nephew took the huff constantly when he wasnt allowed to do what he wanted which was to play the playstation, and the wii and the nintendo ds all at the same time !!!! he played it from he came home at half 5 till after 8 with only his dinner break in between...far too long as it was but he wasnt amused when it was time to top playing!!

Niece was appearing as an angel until she tried to swipe food from her uncles plate.....lol...silly girl,.... anyone knowing my other half knows how much he loves his food and how much of a cardinal sin this was !!

Then it was bath and bedtime...the usual hysterics about soap going in the eyes, and a slip and an almost burst chin ended the nice bubble bath !

Then they were asleep ahhhhhhhhh...

Then they woke......05.50am ! both of them !! Holy Moly, its Saturday Morning !!

We told them it was too early for a film to go on and to go back to sleep....finally relented at 06.50am and the film went on !! and they giggled and laughed and screamed and fought and banged each others heads off the wall, meanwhile i was holding davie back from banging down the wall, lol lol !

They were up and having breakfast by 08.30 am, and so were we!!

...and it began again....Nephew in a huff at not being able to play all 3 computers, Niece making sure i was dressing her little brother properly!!

Niece 'i dont think u have put pants on my little brother'

Me 'of course i have'

Niece 'well i cant see them, and he likes pants on under his jeans'

Me ' i assure u little 5 yr old girl, that there are pants on your little brother, who by the way is 4 and would alert me to the fact he has no pants on !!!!!!!!!!!'

Niece 'well i cant see them'

Me ' well u dnt really have to, as long as i know they r there'

Niece 'and are u going to put his socks'

Me 'what'

Niece 'well i mean he loves his socks on, and my mummy always puts his socks on'

Me 'nope im just going to let him run about outside in the ice in his bare feet'

Niece - gasps and walks away ensuring she remembers every word of the conversation to relay it to mummy when she goes home.......she loves telling tales'

At one point davie turned to me and said 200'000 (sperm count) seems like a really good number to me, in fact maybe a tad too many !!!

Oh no they have put him off !!!!!!!!

In between all this, we did have a nice time taking about Santa, and their santa letters even came through the door, and doing sums and spelling tests and fashion catwalks and silly stories, but they are hard work !!

It was so nice to hand them back and just have quiet again....

Im thinking its just because they arent ours and we would do some things differently with regards to their behaviour and their demands if they were our chidren .....

They have me worried that i can handle kids like them, and yet i adore kids!!

Im probably over analyzing the situation !

Prayer for Motherhood

O good St. Gerard, powerful intercessor before God and the Wonderworker of our day, I call upon thee and seek thy aid. Thou who on earth didst always fulfill God's designs, help me to do the holy Will of God. Beseech the Master of Life, from Whom all paternity proceedeth, to render me fruitful in offspring, that I may raise up children to God in this life and heirs to the Kingdom of His Glory in the world to come. Amen.

Perks of the Job !!

Im a nurse for anyone who doesnt know ! There arent many perks to our job, but one of the ones we do have are faster appt times IF you know the right people..
I work in Theatre/Recovery, so i get to know all the surgeons from all the specialities and all the anaesthetists - they are the dudes who have the ability to knock u off to sleep with one syringe of white 'milk' !! I love them - they are my fave...
Well after my dodgy cycle this month the fabby Mr Gynae man told me he was going to get me scanned....bearing in mind i saw him a week ago today, without an appointment and before his surgery started, and its usually 16 weeks referral from GP to Mr Gynae man meeting.....well..... got a letter in yesterday and my scan is a week on Monday !! How frikin fast is that !! well chuffed..

DF is having to have a shoulder op (Bankharts procedure - for those in the know) agony.. yes !!....He was having it done in another hospital local to us, but when i mentioned to one of the surgeons i work with, he asked if he could see him 2 weeks ago for a consult and now he has a date for surgery at my place.....on the 30th of this month !!!! Now thats service for you - Good old NHS !!
Like i say we dont get many perks - but if ur sick its a gr8 place to work!!
Next SA tests due in on tuesday !! Pray hard for lots and lots of swimmers !!!!.

30 % ............

Trying to be positive ahead of the next set of SA samples and results.
On reading a bit more of icsi, im so so pleased to have this option if needed.....the chances of conceiving in any cycle is 30%....doesnt sound gr8 does it ???

30 %...hmmmm...!! almost one third ! Like a 1 in 3 chance !!
-I suppose i spend a third of my day at work ....it feels like a hell of a lot.....
-If i ate a third of a choclate cake i would feel quite sick ...
-If i was told i had a 1 in 3 chance of winning the lottery i would be frikin delighted ...(fingers crossed my baby will be my lottery win !!)
I MUST think like this.....and not be negative.......

I had a feeling or a thought the other day (unusual for me ..i know lol)..
When i was with my ex (for 5 years), no matter how hard i tried i could NEVER ever imagine our future i could never imagine living with him or being married or having children. Within a few weeks or maybe a month or 2 into meeting davie i knew so much i wanted to be with him and could totally imagine living with him and marrying him !! i could actually visualise this in my head !!....well the other day i was watching tv and suddenly had this vision thing in my head of davie creeping in the door after work asking if the kids were in bed ...notice i said kid(s)...not long after wards it happened again.....we have a massive living room window and its been snowing here....i imagined a wee toddler jumping up on the couch and looking out, banging and making messy hand prints on the window !!.....im so hoping that my feelings towards the future are true and something to cling onto....i really believe i will be a mother one day, we might just have to go the long way round !!

Happy 1st December !!

Not long till Chrimbo now !
Ohhhh and another thing excited me today - af came !! now normally us infertiles and all those ttc HATE the sight of the old bag, but im ecstatic....my cycle is back on track !! woohoooo.

Anyway back to the tummy aches and wanting to eat crap, but at least my system is returning to some kind of normality..

So im going to enjoy the run up to chrimbo and eat and drink and be merry ...lol.. and after new yr the diet and exercise regime will begin....i have the wedding to organise and 2 weddings to attend not to mention getting in optimum conditon for the impending ivf/icsi, i know its not gonna be for about another year yet, but no harm in getting organised.....

Caz, i hope u get ur answers soon.....ur keeping calm very well !. x x x x

Looks like im keepin 'somethin' alive inside me !!

A rip roarin infection !!
Could be a cyst, could be a polyp, could be a fibroid.....could be a case of vaginosis (wtf)...!!!
Something nasty is causing chaos inside me..... im 12 days late, still no sign of af, no baby but plenty of crappy stuff !!
saw the Doc this am, she took swabs and stuff, and ill get my results next week !! Gr8 fun eh !!
Awaiting an ultrasound - next set of SA tests are due on the 9th....Looks like we are a right pair of infertiles lol....it can only make us stronger !!!

An update ....finally - and an end to all this shit !

Well i saw a gyn guy today - he is fabby and very very nice, he is my new hero !! (sorry df)
He took my bloods to check for hcg level, and it came back less than 5 so im not pregnant !!
Im ok with it im just so glad i finally know, i can finally breathe out !

Df is ok too, a bit dissapointed obviously but he is fine and has been a star !!
Gyn guy wants me to go for a scan to try and figure out why im 11 days late and whats going on - im happy with that as it gives me a head start for ferility treatment, and if there is anything wrong they can sort it quicker than finding it 4 weeks before ivf/icsi. So now its back to the idea of this .........

Ive taken a holiday tomorrow as well, i need it, and df is off too so we will have some well deserved time together !!
So for now we are back to concentrating on Christmas and the wedding. x x x

Still no further forward.....

Hi...
well 10 days late ..... got a line yesterday (a 2nd line that is)...it was pink , in fact its still there, but the one i done this morning was negative and the one after that was negative !!
so God knows whats going on....
Feel -so so so tired, yucky, like someone has stuck a needle in my arse and sucked every bit of life out of me, no appetite but if i can eat i feel better, jaggy boobs on and off, peing like a camel, had peachy coloured discharge on monday, and the BACKACHE.....oh my gosh the backache is a killer !!!!!!

So still dont know and am super pissed off now.....bye x

i am a cow .........(davie actually wrote that while i was in the loo...ass hole)

Yeh i prob am being a cow....im 7 DAYS LATE....and every test ive taken is negative.....every - single - one !!!

I am gubbed, exhausted, backache, tummy ache, tired beyond belief, not hungry one minute and starving the next...crabby and have the shortest fuse in the history of the world !!

God knows what goin on but im gonna try for a doc appointment in the morning !!

Ill update as soon as i know anything

Sorry for the long delay in replying !!

Well im now on day 32 of a 28 day cycle !!

I am 4 days late !!....and have had 2 negative HPT's, what the hell is going on !!

In my whole entire life, i have never missed a period altogether or had one later than a 29 day cycle, maybe a 30 one that ive totally forgotten about, but, i have NEVER been this late..!

In my heart im wondering if i CAN be pregnant due to our results, but then i remember miracles do happen and i have so many people praying for me and i know the relatives i speak to regular, altho not on this earth, will be doing all they can for me for way up there.

And the results arent set in stone yet, we have only done blood tests on me and on SA on my darling other half !

Why am i late ?

If im not pregnant - which im not according to HPT's, then what is the reason..?? this has never happened before..

At what point do i go to the doctors !! aarrgghhhh

I have a few symptoms of pregnancy and my period really doesnt feel like its coming at all !.

Im not stressed and have had a regular period since being given our news..ad i know i ovulated this month. I do not over exercise and dont have an eating disorder....so why ??

Goddamit !!!

So here we are still waiting.....Other half is a nervous wreck every time i say i need the loo......which is a lot by he way, but i think its more for the pant check than anything else !!

Just waiting !!!

Well tomorrow is THE day ....the day of the month i dread......Voldemort is due tomorrow....

as it stands just now ive had nothing but a few mild niggles to indicate the imminent arrival....and im not cranky ...at all !!....wow..im really getting used to this bleeding malarky.

Naturally i want it to stay away, and on the flip side im glad it arrives when it does as i know im ovulating well and the chances of there being something wrong with me are reduced slightly ..

So .... i guess for now ill just have to wait....

Have my prayers been answered and i have a tiny little miracle growing inside me....or

Is Voldemort gonna raise his ugle head tomorrow....

Tune in , ill report tomorrow !! xx

Is it any wonder we get scunnered !!

Im not judging....but seriously....what the hell is wrong in the world !!!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1929704.ece

I just dont get it !! x

Speaking Out and Speaking Up !!

I have no idea how to work this award properly but i read it here ....http://angryinfertile.blogspot.com/
I am dealing with this crap just now and i hate it, im being more positive that i will be a mother one day, somehow and i just wish no one else in the world had to go through this......unfortunately many people are ....

So if you're out there, this is for you:

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
If you know what a cootercam is
If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
If you know what an RE is
If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"
If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.
Rules for posting award:
Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

My New Revelations are PISS !!

** This wee cartoon is rude......if ur easily offended...dont read on !!**
I fekin hate google, its providing me with all the information i am asking it to provide me with....and im getting utterly pissed off, why does it have to be so efficient, why for once can it not just realise im typing out of neuroticness (i dnt care if its not a word - it is now - ok ) ...i dont really want it to answer me all the time !!!

The waiting list here is approximately a year and a half to 2 years - Christ All Bloody Mighty. !! (sorry for the bad language- my granny millsip will be turning in her grave - my granny mcginnis will be lighting up a fag, backing a horse telling my dad off for teaching me such words)

In addition to this new and truly exciting revelation, if I need IVF/ICSI ...they have reduced it to 2 cycles......yes 2 now, not 3 but ...2 ...TWO....!! bastards, i bet none of those fuckers are infertile....the swines probably have football teams of kids at home !!!!!

What can one do with his knowledge.....unless you want more profanities and a fantastic display of spontaneous combustion..i shall keep that knowledge to myself for now !!!

I seriously need to get on this list ASAP....if i leave it much longer.....or should i say if those ass holes make us have any more tests they will have reduced it to ONE attempt !!!..

This is a record swearing post.....do u know Voldemort is due to visit on Monday.... so that make me have PMT....so im allowed to swear....Mother if u ever read this, i apologise, Father if u ever read this, rest assured my granny blames u for my bad language..

'Wee Joke'

Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body. The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?""The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

Babydust to me, im sick of giving t out to everyone else !!

What the fuck !!

One of my SATC girls and very good friend is on at me to remain positive......so here it is ......

Today im 7dpo....and ..i have ewcm, and frikin loads of it, what the fek !!!!

Talk about confusing a girl !!!

Im trying not to think too much into it and dare not think it could be a sign that my prayers and endless begging has been answered !! Instead i believe my horrid horrid rat arse of a body is playing silly tricks on me !! i have wee cramps too.

It seems ironic my last post was full of prayers, and tonight im cursing like a loon, but im allowed to rant and vent here, so ill say what i bloody well please !!! so there !!

In other news, my other fantabulous friend in work knows !! and she was gr8, i could tell she wanted to cry for me, but she stayed strong ! she has been through quite a bit herself so i know she knows what its like to feel pain ! Its good having friends knowing - it takes a load off !

We are both getting married a month apart in 2010, so we can get excited about that together ... yay ...

She told me today to ask my guardian angel for help as her mum firmly believes in this, so guess who ill be talking to tonight ....... im also going to be in her prayers , i have gr8 friends !.

Im in mortal agony from the body pump session yesterday... must be good for me.

Im asking for help !!

Prayer to Saint Anthony of Padua, Performer of Miracles

Dear Saint Anthony, your prayers obtained miracles during your lifetime. You still seem to move at ease in the realm of minor and major miracles. Saint Anthony, Performer of Miracles, please obtain for me the blessings God holds in reserve who serve Him. Pray that I may be worthy of the promises my Lord Jesus attaches to confident prayer. That i will be blessed with a child or children of my own. Amen.

Prayer to St Gerard (unofficial saint to those seeking motherhood)

Good St Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your aid. You know that our marriage has not as yet been blessed with a child and how much my husband and I desire this gift. Please present our fervent pleas to the Creator of life from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless us with a child whom we may raise as His child and heir of Heaven. Amen.

**note to self, get a St Gerard medal**

Patron Saint of Infertile Men

PRAYER TO ST. NICHOLAS OF MYRA O Saint Nicholas, bountiful Father and special Patron of our Byzantine Catholic Church. You are a shepherd and teacher to all who invoke your protection, and who, by devout prayer, call upon you for aid. Hasten and save the flock of Christ from ravenous wolves; and by your holy prayers protect all Christians and save them from worldly disturbances, earthquakes, attacks from abroad, from internal strife, from famine, flood, fire, sword, and sudden death. As you had mercy on those three men in prison and saved them from the king's wrath, now also have mercy on me who by word, deed, and thought have sunk into the darkness of sin. Save me from the just anger of God, and from eternal punishment. Through your intercession and aid as well as through his own mercy and grace, may Christ our God allow me to lead a tranquil and sinless life, and save me from standing at "his left," but deem me worthy to stand at "his right" with all the saints. Amen.

St Rita of Cascia, Patron Saint for Infertility and hopeless cases

Glorious St. Rita, patroness of those in need/ your intercession with our Lord is most powerful./ Through the favors obtained by your prayers/ you have been called Advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases./ St. Rita, humble and pure; patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified!/ We have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you, will find comfort and relief./ Listen to our petitions and show your power with God in our behalf./ Obtain our petitions for us/ if they are for the greater honor of God, and for our good./ We promise, if our petitions are granted,/ to make known your favor, and to glorify God for His gift./ Relying on your power with the merciful Savior, we ask of you to bless us with a child or children to love and cherish.

Why do i do it ???

Tonight is x-factor night, in addition to this i have read every ivf story i could find on a gr8 website called ivf connections !!...Some cycles have worked 1st time, some 2nd, some 3rd....and some not at all.....i go thru the 'oh my god it worked first time' to 'oh my god it didnt work at all' and what will happen to me, will i be in the lucky group or the 'im sorry theres nothing more we can do for u group'.....

I know by reading this stuff im preparing myself for whats probably going to happen to us, at the same time is ignorance really bliss ?? Im thinking probably not when faced with shitty infertility !!

So this time nxt month my christmas tree will be up and we will be preparing for another SA ..the 9th of december is THE day.....the results are backon the 19th of December !! Aaaaarrrghhhhhh, if its the same then fine, im dealing with it, if its better, great it might give us more options......if its normal then why am i not pregnant?? and if it worse where can i buy a gun ?? No seriously if its worse then i dnt know what ill be like....i have to start trying to prepare for that now.... even if there are only a few we can still get ICSI ...if they r good ones....

Fingers Crossed and lots of prayers please please please !!!

My dream and the interpretation of it !!

I had this dream.....in the dream i was sitting on a hill thinking about IVF....(its all ive bloody thought about awake, why does it have to be in my dreams too??)

Anyway, i saw my dad at the bottom of the hill and i havent told him yet about whats going on so i shouted on him as i was going to tell him ... he saw me and started to come up the hill to see me as he neared i saw him looking over my head in terror......i turned round and looked up and at the very top of the hill i saw the most evil looking man with the most horrid eyes !...he was staring at me...like he was going to come down to where i was and kill me, but had been stopped by seeing my dad ....anyway my dad ran up and picked me up (now i know im dreaming lol) and ran to the bottom of the hill to safety !!

So i relayed this to my friend in work who is aware of my situation ....she thinks ....the hill represents my problem (the infertility and ivf), and the scary man is my guilt for not telling my dad......clever eh !!......I will tell him, just not yet, ill wait till later and see what happens with these tests and stuff !! No need for anyone else to be worrying ! xx

The 2ww is a pisser !!!!

Im trying so hard not to remember im in the 2 ww.....after all can anything actually happen for me?

when im not thinking about it, the niggling feelings low down remind me that this time last month i would be noting down every wee symtpom and hoping and praying that it meant a baby was trying frantically to stick to my uterus !!

Urgh its horrible.....ive been better this week, i have been up to lots with work and the gym and wrapping chrstmas pressies !! yup u got it ....Christmas is almost here !! yay

Well anyways im 5dpo so ive still got a bit of a way to go in this 2ww malarky. Ive been chatting away in work to the pregnant girls..... they r doing really well and one had a scan and everything is gr8 and the other has hers on Tuesday its exciting for her !! hopefully it will calm herdown a wee bit - shes mental, but in a lovely way !.....its been ok chatting to them, my tummy isnt lurching as much as it did, i think im accepting whats happening to me a bit better now. Some are asking if the baby thing is on hold till after the wedding in May 2010....im just saying yes !

I havent prayed for a while but im finding myself talking to those above more often now, is this normal? am i being a hypocrit? - i do it then feel bad .....am i only doing it as i need help? do those above feel used ?? damn my catholic guilt !

In other news my bonsai is fully 'leaved' again....im so pleased....it 'died' the same week we got our bad news, but i looked after it and its back to full health again !!! im hoping is mirroring my life and the tests were rotten but now they will be back to normal again next month !

Went to tesco tonight instead of asda ....... it was shit !! Note to self never to go again !!!

Oh happy days !!

Hey, not much to blog about really, this will be a quiet month ....

i have a diet blog running alongside this, i was going to lump it together in the one blog but it could get confusing and full of cack, so im doing a seperate blog !!

Im feeling good this week, had a nice weekend off...and im feeling bad now for moaning about the pregnant girls -they are so lovely and i can listen to them talk their baby talk this week (so far) without feeling like someone is ripping out my womb and ovaries at the same time.....i swear if i listen close enough my womb is screaming and crying albeit a bit quieter this week !

So its taken me 3 weeks to get to this stage - good to remember for the future - if required !!.x

Happy November !!

Another good day all round, got a long lie which was well needed and got myself ready, indulged in some shopping with the skin and blister ....and sat in at night with a very healthy evening meal of pizza chips pakora and naan bread......yup my diet has begun !!!!

ah well at least i havent cried ! lol

Tummy is sore, ovulating is a pisser especially when u cant really expect anything from the 2ww (Two week wait)..

Got some christmas presents in today, all for the kids right enough - everyone elses bloody kids !! thats them all nearly bought for ! then i can move onto the adult stuff .

November is going to be my good month, December will become wobbly again, so im making November be good to me !

Almost November !! yay !

Happy Halloween !!

Its been a good day today, busy at work, got my hair done, and spent some quality time with mother and sister!

Im ovulating this weekend and this has been verified by the crampy pains and total tiredness...DF has just asked if i want to be 'fertilised' - CHARMING !!!

Looking forward to a long lie tomorrow and the start of November, the month where im going to try and chill and spend some quality time on me.. Woo Hoo

Oh another upside is that i got a Take That ticket for June nxt year !..a whole crowd of us from work are going, it will be great - and something to look forward to after christmas, and by that timebit will be 11 months till my wedding !! yayyay !!

Its a short post tonight as im feeling good today - but im tired and off to bed...yawn !

1 Day To Go

One day to go till i see the back of this shitty month, October 2008 will go down as the worst month of my life ever ....

Things at work were a bit better today, it was pretty busy so there was a lock down on the babytalk... yay !! - i feel like a bitch for saying that cos i love hearing about it usually ....im just sooo not in THAT place right now !

Yesterday ended pretty much how the whole day went and in the end up i cried myself to sleep...its so hard pretending everything is ok, and that im strong, when im not - so clearly, i am not !

In my head i have us getting ivf , regardless of the nxt batch of results...and the 3 cycles failing, for a moment i allow myself to believe it may work and i may even get twins - i would love it !, then i think about how unlucky we have been and i get doubts creeping in !

So anyway, back to today, i was asked why ive been so quiet, quite a few times, people are noticing....fuk.....must try harder to be normal !! I want to say I CANT TAKE ANY MORE ...i cant listen to the baby talk right now....maybe tomorrow or next week, but right now you are slowly killing me - i didnt tho i was an angel

So more positive news, as a way of celebrating the end of this month i have decided im going to have a new me in November !! As of the 1st of November im starting my diet and gym routine...im going to make an effort to try and be a bit tanned up (i start this fake tanning routine but get bored easily), and im going to give myself little beauty treatment often and make sure i have lovely skin for christmas..

Im also getting my hair done tomorrow night...so that will take me nicely into November, which im looking forward to...

So tonight i gave you a more positive post, and can i just say how much i love my DF.....he just lay and cuddled me last night, he has been so worried as im not myself - he took me out tonight, just to the shops and to his cousins and i know it was just to get me out the house for a while !! He is the best !!

Oh this IF shit is not funny !!! - oh and im ovulating this weekend - should be fun !!

Hand me a gun please !!

I could scream this week at work, trillions of baby talk.....its hard going....i understand their excitement and they have no idea about my situation......i really like the girls im just really struggling this week !!

My pregnant friend took the huff today, usually i would be the one to try and bring someone out a mood, especially a friend, but i dont have the strength to do this, i shouldnt have too, my heart is sore and aching and my head is up my arse, you are pregnant and going to have exactly what i may not be able to have so what the fek have u got to be so moody about !!..i know hormones are to blame but this friend was in almost the exact same situation only a few months ago, only difference being she has a child already - gorgeous wee girly.

Im really bored too and this isnt helping, im struggling to motivate myself, the dark nights are coming in and when i get home i dnt want to go back out to the gym ... i need too, i will NOT have a doctor putting any IF treatment on hold till i lose weight. I WILL DO IT !!

Im just really really down just now, i cried for the first time in probably a week...it hasnt helped !!

Psychic Help ??

Tomorrow night my mum and i are off to see Colin Fry live. I do believe in this kind of stuff, altho im not expecting anyone to come through for me - i have asked by the way.....so grans, granda - any relatives if ur up there - surprise me !!

I logged into the Colin Fry website and saw a caption saying Positive Thought For The Day...

it read ' Dreams can only come true if you have confidence in yourself ' ....i like it !!

At the moment im struggling to have confidence in anything....its slowly coming back to me tho.

' Dont cry over someone who wont cry over you'...totally unrelated but i heard it last night and just wanted to keep a note of it !!

Im blogging everything just now, im enjoying it, its allowing me to free up some space in my head !!

A quest for positivity !!

In our quest to remain positive we decided that we were going to write down a list of 10 things each that we would do if we arent to be blessed with children. So this morning we sat and done it.......quickly right enough before the Chelsea v Liverpool game came on t.v.........ass hole !! lol

so My list is ..

1. New york - i love this city so much yet have never been there !

2. Los Angeles - purely for the glamour

3. Las Vegas - i love the lights !

4. Nice clothes - frequent shopping trips

5. Nice car - not the bubble im driving just now - ironically i got rid of the convertable when we started ttc....silly girl

6. Yearly abroad holidays

7. Good social life

8. Holiday Home

9. Regular pampering sessions

10. Doggy - (this is DF main thing- im going along with it .....im not a big animal lover)

DF list is ..

1. Vegas Baby (he actually wrote that - saddo)

2. A dog

3. A Caravan (his aunt has one on a fabby site on blackpool- we usually go twice a yr)

4. Nice Clothes

5. Supplements (he does natural bodybuilding)

6. New York ( i think this one is for me)

7. 1 abroad holiday per year

8. Season tickets (Celtic)

9. Nice Car

10. Regular Social Life

So we are going to keep these safe....and work our way thru them if the worst happens......fingers crossed we dont get to do it until we retire and the kids have left home !

Pondering on a Saturday Night !

Saturday was nice this week, i went to the gym in the avo and then we went out for dinner and to the cinema at night (Saw 5, scary shit), we needed to get out, just the 2 of us and start having some fun again!!
The restuarant was busy, full of groups of people or couples all out for the night - childless. I found myself looking at couples and wondering, have they got kids? if they do did they just get babysitters? - if they dont have any then they look so happy !! have they been through the same troubles with IF and have come out the other end childless but happy and content.......Will i be like them?? i know after a while if we had to hear the worst ever news that things would get better- there is no point in moping around forever - i just hope it doesnt come to that.
As i said to DF last night im so so so glad i met him all those years ago, i do believe i have found my soul mate with him, even if he had known way back then that there may have been an issue with children, i still would be with him - no question about it. I just dont want him blaming himself. Altho my bloods came back and im ovulating, i could still have blockages or something thats stopping his sperm meet my egg, everyone keeps saying it only takes 1, and if he has 600'000 then im sure one day one wee bugger could get through there...i Love him so much and i would be with him regardless.

Gym Bunny - this will become my new addiction

In this quest for our baby, im figuring that it would be best if i was in the best shape i could be. I am currently about a stone and a half to 2 stone overweight. I am going to attempt to become a gym bunny !!

If IVF is required i really dnt want some doctor telling me there is nothing that can be done until i lose weight or until my BMI is within whatever reasonable limit they have decided for this month...and at the same time my mum has said every time she lost a bit of weight she became pregnant !!! ...gotta give it a shot right!!

DF is the fittest guy i know, he trains at the gym, weight lifts and plays footie, he is so healthy that it is actually unfair his sperm count is low......all these guys out there who are on drugs and smoke and drink excessively and they are producing kids like theres no tomorrow !! Its an unfair world and thats for sure.

So as well as this blog being about out baby journey, it will incorporate our life in general and the journey to me attaining a new bod !! (and if it keeps me off google then all the better). x

Google the devil !!

Google is becoming my fast new addiction. Every new piece of information im hearing or reading about in relation to our situation is being googled. Obviously this then throws up new pieces of information that subsequently require more googling and so on and so on .....

Googley eyed has taken on a whole new meaning for me !!

So far DF testicle size has been under scrutiny - we found a size chart and compared, which shows he is fine - Mr Average!, the poor soul just goes along with my rambling and wheeks them out on demand !! Thats why i love him !

A few close people to us know whats going on, my mam and sister - which has been great, they are so positive about it, and as mam and i both work in the hospital where the infertility consultant is based- (she works with him aswell)- i think that is helping too. A girl in my work has been going through the same altho she is now pregnant, she knows about everything, and my boss knows a little bit, only because i cried in work a day after we found out !!

My online girls know as well.....the SATC chicks, they are going thru it as well, not this exactly, but they have there own issues, apart from one - who is currently pregnant with her 2nd !! yay !!.

As for DF, his cousin and brother know and i think that has helped him as well. Obviously we have each other and ultimately its us thats got to go through this horrible thing - that i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Im really thankful im going thru it with him, he has been great - and having the others support is the icing on the cake !

For this moment in time all we have to focus on is getting his spermies healthy and plentiful (if we can)...he is doing everything he can, we are still going to 'try' every month in the hope of that miracle, instead of every day or every other day we will have to leave it a good few days in between and 'try' as close to ovulation so that we arent wasting the wee guys !!.
We are getting through this together and thats the main thing for now !

From the beginning !!

Exactly 2 weeks ago today i was hyper about the wedding we had just planned and my fabulous fiance and I had made the plans to start a family ! everything seemed so perfect !!

Exactly 1 week ago today our world crashed down round about us !!
I will begin at the very beginning.... (i promise no other post will be this long)...

Im 28, and Darling Fiance is 26, soon to be 27 on Christmas Eve. We have been together for 7 years on Christmas Day (engaged 6 yrs on Christmas Day)and are to be married in Cyprus in May 2010.

I had implanon implant in and got it taken out in September 2007, it was due to come out and we had talked about planning a family. We moved house in May 2008 and decided to start trying for a baby !!
We started our first cycle of 'seriously' ttc in June 2008 (i was already ovulating in May when we had decided)...and so it began, ... symptom spotting ...2weekwait....period.....ovulating.....symptom spotting....2 weekwait......period.....and so on and blah blah and blah ! Naturally we thought we would get pregnant soon, we knew it could take up to a year so were kind of chilled out, apart from the vitamins, the timed baby dance(sex)sessions, the ovulation sticks, the hpt sticks, the cervical mucus checking ...ahem....yeh we were pretty chilled !

So anyway we registered with our Dr's surgery in the new area where we lived he went through everything...(pro-active so and so) and as i had been without contraception for a yr he thought we should have been pregnant by now, i didnt mention that we had only been trying a few months, i thought what the hell, better knowing sooner rather than later if anything was wrong). I suffer heavy painful periods, so endometriosis has always been in the back of my mind .....Darling fiance was born with undescended testes that werent fixed till he was 5 !! (stupid assy hole docs) researching this i have since found it should have been fixed before he was 1 or as soon as possible - so we knew there was a possibility that fertility may have been decreased !

I got bloods taken and the darling one had to provide a semen sample !!...Bloods came back fine...im ovulating...Good. Sample came back - not so good - 200'000 wee guys per/ml ..... so roughly 600'000 total count..sounds like bloody loads doesnt it ??....i mean 600'000 chocolate buttons every other day could get me REALLY fat, but 600'000 sperm cant get me really pregnant.....wtf !! - its a helluva lot ..well apparently its not ...it should be about 20 million.....what a bloody waste considering it only takes one ..(if i hear this one more time by the way i may spontaneously combust). The ones that are there are swimming gr8 and have a good morphology (so they all look fine). Is that meant to be the icing on the cake ??
I cried for 3 days solid and couldnt face eating, every positive thought i mustered up was beaten up and drowned by 2 negative thoughts...but... i have finally pulled myself together, with the help of DF (darling fiance) he has been amazing !... and just when im getting back to some state of normality darling one crumbles..God Love Him !! ......im glad tho, he needed to, and has been slowly but surely better every day too !
So 7 days on im here...i have stopped crying ....so has he.....i am eating again......he never really stopped !!
and another sample is booked in...he is wearing loose boxers, taking vitamins not overheating his area.....he is still not on talking terms with his chooks but im sure that will resolve itself in time !!
We do the test on 9th Dec 2008 and get the results on 19th Dec - Merry Christmas Ho effin Ho !!! Please let it be better !!
Ironically the week we got 'THE' news my lucky bonsai tree died....every single leaf has fallen off. After some tender loving care its starting to get better slowly, it has some new leaves and is coming to life again...Sounds familiar !
I am feeling so much more positive and im sleeping better, its the waking i hate, for that split second where i dont know where i am - life is good- and then i get the familiar lurch deep in my stomach and everything come back to me in a sickening rush, rolling over and swiftly falling asleep again becomes increasingly difficult.

The doctors have mentioned that if the results stay the same we will need to consider IVF/ICSI to become pregnant and have the baby (squirt) we dream of !!