Im still here !!

Good Evening.
My blogger has been playing up lately, not letting me post and not leting me reply to others !!
Firstly tho - MASSIVE congrats to my mate Caz.......finally she has been given her chance, im so so ecstatic for her. Good Luck for Monday chicka.
Congrats to Murgdan too - a boy....awwww fantastic news.

So whats new with me?
I still need ivf/icsi. No amount of bding during the best time of the month is going to get me in the 'family way'. AF arrived today, I hate the pain she causes me, not to mention the heartache !

We had our first appointment at the clinic a few months back, we are now onto our 2nd and 3rd rounds. 25the January for all the bloods and consents. Then we go back for all the results on 9th February. We could probably start in March but our wedding is on 9th April, followed by a 2 week honeymoon so im thinking we will start end April or beginning May !!

Nothing much else happening. The snow here has been terrible now for going on 2 weeks, we havent seen the ground at all in that time. Christmas was lovely. My sister is now 15 weeks pregnant and all is going well.

Im working right through New Year. tut. If this snow keeps up we could ebter the guinness book of records for plating bones back together !!.

All my consent stuff came in the other week, holy moly !!.....I need to consent to consent !!! crazy stuff.

2010 is going to be my year. Wedding, honeymoon and baby bump in one year
Fingers crossed !
xx xx xx

THEE Appointment !!

Well it was today ......THE appointment was today.
It felt like it took us one hundred years to drive the motorway journey to get there, morning traffic sucks !!
Anyway we got there on time, and negotiated the maze to the ACS Unit ( Assisted Conception Service Unit) and took our place in the waiting room. There was another, maybe, 8 couples there waiting, all ages and from all walks of life, that was evident and I will say no more ! lol.

So a nurse called my name and took me to be weighed and take my height, My BMI is 27.1....healthy weight is 25, so ill take that, im not a kick in the arse away from it and the treatment cut off is 35 so im well under, back into the room to wait.
Later (a good 50 mins later) the doctor called my name, off we popped into the room. We need ICSI...(we already knew that), we have Male Factor, .....(no surprises there lady), we get 2 cycles as we are Lanarkshire patients.....(postcode lotterys are shit but if it will give us a baby then ill take it). We start in Dec/Jan.......(now im starting to get excited) ....and they will put 2 embryos back during each cycle ...(yeeehhhaaaa - fan bloody tastic!!!!)
Yeh so we start in Dec/Jan, much sooner than May which was our initial start date, and I thought since I am still in my 20's I would have to fight for 2 embryos to be transferred , but no, she offered me that little piece of delightful info all by herself. !!

Im delighted, Im excited, im nervous and very scared. Im scared I let this run over my head, I need to stay grounded, this may very well work, and on the other hand it could fail.....i HAVE to remember that whilst all the time having PMA !!!!
xx xx

Holy Moly

I heard from someone who is being treated at the same clinic as me that the waiting list had dropped...from 14 months to 7 months. Im interested to know why, but for now im taking peace from my own thoughts that since everyone is falling pregnant on their 1st cycle, its making more room for the rest of us to have a wee chance !! lol.

So anyways, I phoned up today and yes, that vicious little rumour is in fact true ! At the moment I have been on the waiting list for 7 months.....they will discuss things with us when we go on tuesday, but it looks like we will be going through a wee cycle, all being well, before the wedding !! wooohooooooooo !!

As excited as I am, and there will not be a snowballs chance in hell that i will be holding back on the cycle, but ....
Will my wedding dress fit ??
Can i still go on honeymoon to Egypt ??
Can i fly early in pregnancy ??
Is it going to work for me 1st time...ill still only be 29 !!

shit shit shit. Im excited, im scared, I dont know what the hell I am, but this is a surprise i wasnt expecting!I thought i was prepared, but i was NOT prepared for this !!

I guess ill find out more on Tuesday !!
Damn it, why is tuesday not tomorrow !!!! xx

Wow I got an award !!!!

Thanks to the Secret D for the award.
Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 [any] of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? In my Jacket Pocket
2. Your hair? Brown and Caramel
3. Your mother? Knitting
4. Your father? Pre-occupied
5. Your favorite food? Cereal
6. Your dream last night? Cant remember
7. Your favorite drink? Diet Coke
8. Your dream/goal? to live a fulfilled life
9. What room are you in? living room
10. Your hobby? farmville on facebook
11. Your fear? losing loved ones
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy and contented with a child
13. Where were you last night? Work
14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. Wish list item? Ugg Boots
17. Where did you grow up? Motherwell
18. Last thing you did? Ate
19. What are you wearing? Jammies
20. Your TV? Plasma
21. Your pets? Kitten
22. Friends? tv programme - love it
23. Your life? OK
24. Your mood? chilled
25. Missing someone? yeh
26. Vehicle? Golf
27. Something you’re not wearing? socks
28. Your favorite store? new look
29. Your favorite color? Black
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? last Monday
32. Your best friend? Fiance
33. One place that I go to over and over? Country Baskets
34. One person who emails me regularly? facebook
35. Favorite place to eat? anywhere

Im having connections problems so ill pass this award on tomorrow !. x

Chilling !!!

Well there have been a few things going on over here in my bubble!!

1. Other half handed in his sample on Wednesday to the new fertlity place who will be looking after our care - not after we had a bit of a niggle earlier that week, as he went out and got blotto after the football - the very week we had to hand a test in !! Turns out he may not be coping as good with all of this as I had thought. He hates his job, and although has completed his degree, still has no job with money that reflects his qualifications. He is feeing a wee bitty awkward about the whole treatment/sample things. He doesnt complain, and he isnt depressed, I think he is just struggling with a brick wall at every turn ! The fact that I get tons of overtime in my work to help pay for the wedding and he gets nothing from his place isnt helping.

2. My bridesmaid is going to be 7 months pregnant at my wedding. My bridesmaid is my only sister, she is 22 and the dress for the wedding is hanging in the wardrobe - eeek !
She is super early at only 6 weeks and we havent told many people, I know its safe here as no one I know face to face reads this. Im ecstatic now that the news has settled in - it was unplanned and we were all shocked to say the least...but now I cant wait. I need to take the little madam out and buy her a whole new dress, various sizes bigger than she is just now !! We call her little blob 'nemo', well I did. lol.... she had an early scan due to cramping on one side, all seems fine.

3. We have our first follow up appointment with the consultants at the Roy.al in Glasg.ow on 10th Novemeber, so im looking forward to getting this show on the road.

4. Im 11lbs lighter than I was at the start of the year !
5. Im now brunette instead of Blonde

I think thats you all updated !

Wedding plans are coming along nicely, the material for the chair bows has been bought, i have began designing my invites and i have bought in most of the retro style sweets that im using as favours. I had my first fitting last week and the dress fits perfect apart for the length ( im a bit of a short ass).

So I think thats enough for me to be getting on with just now. Its all happening so quickly and this time next year I will be married 6 months, and I hope to be pregnant !! Fingers crossed !. xx

Something to report !

We got our initial appointment today !! Im so excited and so so thoroughly shitting myself !!
Oh has to hand in his sample on 21st this month and we have our very first appointment with the people who are hopefully going to make us a baby on the 10th Novemeber !!

Our first result was 200'000 little spermies/ml, not so good. Our 2nd result was 1 million spermies/ml and our 3rd was 2 millions spermies/ml. At the bottom of our Semen Analaysis sheet it says..
'Criteria for acceptance onto treatment. ICSI - >1 million motile sperm in ejaculate or >1motile sperm recovered from specialised ICSI preparation'. Im nervous !

Only yesterday we were saying how all the wedding plans are helping us put the looming IVF to the back of our minds. That all changed this morning.

xx xx

Contented

Im sitting here tonight, so so contented,
- it may be the darker, cosier nights coming in.
- it may be that my friends are getting excited about my wedding (mainly Leigh, who I spent a while with on the phone to tonight)
- im chilling in my living room with other half and super cute kitty (tinkerbell) , watching 'Cocktail' with a Twix chilling in the fridge waiting on me devouring it with a cup of Tea.
- it may be the other half is so so grateful to me for putting together a spicy pasta bake and garlic bread (it did turn out fab and im proud of it).
- it may be that Carolyne is having very promising symptoms this month and I sooo hope this is her turn.
- it may be that 'Murgdan' was lucky 4, it has restored my faith, i may well be number 4, the other 3 have been lucky and im next in line.

It may be a lot of things.

A year ago now, I was getting blood tests for progesterone levels, i was naive in thinking that we would fall pregnant as soon as we made an appointment with the doctor, after all it happened to so many other we know. In a month from now, we would be given the news from the Dr that we would never conceive naturally, or that it would be very unlikely.

A year ago now 'Contended' would not have been a word I would have thought I would ever be able to use again.
But I am - I really am.
Its a hard road, but others on blogosphere have reminded me it CAN happen, it WILL happen, and for that im grateful and contented.

xx

Shit - im number 4

I have been worrying about being the 4th person for a wee while now.

Then Murgan over at 'Conceive this' wrote about things coming in 3's, and should we worry about being no 4.

Well im no 4.

Im a nurse as you know, and i work with a lot of females, as one would presume.

Female 1 - has a child, was trying for a 2nd, had some fertility testing, was on the very cusp of Clomid and then fell pregnant on her own, she now has a lovely Girl.

Female 2 - has a child, was trying for a 2nd, was referred for fertility testing and fell pregnant before consultation, she is sorting out her maternity leave stuff right now.

Female 3 - has a child, was about to start clomid that very month, tested 'just to be sure', and wonderfully found out she was pregnant, she is currently 13 weeks.

Im genuinely happy for each and every one of them.

In total there were 4 of us in the same boat, or a similar boat.

Im number 4.

What chance do I have. ??

Im trying to convince myself im different..

A - because i dont have a kid already.

B - because i have had the words ivf/icsi said to me.

Now does that make me exempt form the 'good things come in 3's' way of thinking ?.

I hope so, or I would be as well booking hysterectomy right now !

xx

Back to Life, Back to Reality

We are home from our break. The week just flew in.
We are both back to work tomorrow boohoo, but I suppose it has to be done.
Now the break is over the next thing we have to concentrate on is Christmas and the wedding.
oooohhhh the wedding, im gonna have to work super shifts to get saving for this !! eeeek.
The break has done us the world of good, as McDreamy very kindly told me today i looked much better....apparently before the holiday i was pale and looked really tired. Bless him for noticing.

Has anyone tried Fertility Plus for men......?? random question but i may start other half on it if its meant to be good, no harm in trying these things.

Anyway,
4 months till Christmas
8 months till the wedding
9 months till treatment starts

oohhh how the days will fly past.

The health kick and detoxing starts tomorrow i need to lose a good few pounds (like 28) before the wedding and honeymoon and ivf.
So wish me luck !. xx

holiday camp fever

I'm staying at a Haven holiday village. Its fab and great fun and cheesey and all that jazz, but seriously, unless you are a family of 4+ then you are soooooooo the odd ones out.
And since we are just a wee 2some I'm surprised we haven't been launched yet.
Everywhere you look there are tons and tons of kids, which is fab, and I know people come here because it is so good
and easier than trying to get your 46 kids on a plane but jeez oh, the population of scotland and england MUST be in this park.
It is so family and kid orientated I expect nothing else I just hope to be adding my own kid to the dancefloor to be rocking its socks to 'the revolution' or 'the court of king caractucus' one day. If you don't know what these are I suggest you 'you tube' them. Hilarious.
2some or not we are having a ball. We have our whole week planned out so far, circus tomorroe then pleasure beach on tuesday. With a few wee other things thrown in. Ill update as I go.
No one keeps bubba in a corner.
It took me all my time not to say that last line, but 4 cheeky vodkas down my neck later and my blackberry in my hand and I'm saying it like it is.
We come here twice a year, the digs are free and we know this place like the back of our hand. Its just too easy.
It is your total holiday camp, very dirty dancin style. I'm sure somewhere right now there is a dirty dancing basement happening.
I'm not there tho, I'm home in the caravan with my very own Johnny. Ha. I know your jealous, but seriously don't be.
Gorgeous? Yes he is !! Snake hips?? Far bloody from it !! I'm seriously thinking of booking dance lessons for the wedding.
Its past midnight so its night night from me, we have a date with Mooky tomorrow, he is a clown at the circus we are going to see. Should be fun.
Stay tuned.
Xx

Blogging from my Blackberry in Blackpool

I have this Blackberry and I don't know how to use it to its full potential. I can blog from it so I
intend too.
Up until recently this blog has been all about the infertility. Its the one - and only - part of my life that makes me unhappy. I have a lot of good things in my life that has not as yet been reflected in my blog.
I figure since my treatment starts next May that I have a lot of time to talk about and include the good things in life. I love blogging and want to blog much more often but as anyone waiting to go through ICSI knows, its a bloody slow process.
As most folk already know I'm 29 and I'm Scottish. That will explain why I say 'wee' and 'aye'. If you ever don't understand what I'm saying, stop me and ask, ill happily expain.
Okay so what are the great things in my life.
1. I have a fabulous boyfriend, my very own McDreamy, who is gorgeous, fit, and super sweet.
2. I'm marrying that fabulous man in April, after an 8 year engagement.
3. I'm then spending 2 whole weeks with him in a gorgeous 5 star resort in Egypt.
4. We both have good careers. I'm a nurse, specialising in acute care, recovery and extra shifts in intensive care. Gorgeous hubby to be
Works in sport and fitness.
5. We have a gorgeous home, its only part decorated to our own personal taste right now as far too much money is required for this wedding. We will get round to it though.
6. We have thee cutest little kitten ever, Tinkerbell. I didn't even like animals before. But I frickin love her.
So I have a lot of other stuff going on in my life other than wicked infertility. I think maybe its time I brought that out in my blog. I want to look back over my blog in years to come and not sink into a deep depression.
Right now I'm in Blackpool on a week long break with McDreamy. Its like a much cheaper and cheesier form of Benidorm with all the lights of Vegas.
We both love it, we get to just be ourselves and chill out away from all the pressures
of home.

Nothing New Here Then ....

I added this picture cos I love it, and I love dancing and I miss it, I danced for loads of years and even done the odd panto....i wish I could go back, but im about 2 stone heavier now - altho I have lost 9lbs - wooooo go me !!

I havent blogged for what feels like 100 years. I have nothing new to write and nothing exciting to tell you all....

Hmmm what has happened....

Well i got a confirmation letter from the hospital, so at least they know about us !!

I got a mole cut off my face, it started bleeding and swelling - i got the result back and its not cancerous - phew.

I got a new Blackberry phone !! Its super funky and super cool.

Im heading to Blackpool with Davie for a week since we cant afford to go abroad, I cant wait to just get time off work.

Tinkerbell (the new kitten) is 10 weeks old now, almost 11 and is doing really well, she is a wee cuite pie and obliterates any flying beasties that dare enter HER house !!

Im still working my butt off doing extra shifts in Intensive Care to pay for the wedding which is now only 8 months away !! Oh and im about to start helping immunise some of the population against Swine Flu - funny that since I dont think ill even be having the injection myself !!

Im getting new french doors put in next week, something or someone smashed the glass in my patio door and it needs fixed......damn wedding fund stung again !

Ohhhh talking of stung ...... do u remember i got stung on the butt a few weeks back, well there was a nest of the swines....I had to get the exterminators out to get rid of them ! eugh, gives me the heebies just thinking about it !

are you bored yet .......??

I am ???

I need some excitement, Caz nearly gave me a heart attack with her last post ....God damn it !

I got buzzed in the butt !!

Hey ladies and gents,....
wow i feel like I havent been here for ages !!!!

Firstly I have to tell you that i got buzzed by a wasp this morning - right in the bum !

It was agony. There I was 05.30am, just rolling over to continue my snooze for another while before having to get up for work, when I felt this almighty pain rip right through my butt. I jumped out the bed without even thinking, and there it was walking down my duvet, a frickin wasp - the swine just stung my butt (well, the crease at your butt and the top of your leg - which of course made it sorer the rest of today).....Grrrrrrr

Nothing much else to report for now. Still working. Still saving for the wedding. Working in my uncles pub too which is great fun.

Ohh oh oh, I got a wee letter from the clinic just confirming us as being on the waiting list there....I will hear from them soon for our first appointment !! Woo Hoo..

You may remember it was my friends wedding 7 weeks ago, she had told me she was going to try and fall pregnant right after her wedding...........well she is now 6 weeks !! Now thats impressive. Im so happy for her, but Jeez-oh, what a way to rub it in - lol..!

and then there were 3 !!!!

This is the new addition to the family.
It is the cutest wee button and we dont get her till the end of the week.
Any advice anyone can give me on kittens will be appreciated !
Im so excited. xx xx

IVF should be banned !!!!

Can you believe I heard these very words today ....... from the mouth of a consultant anaesthetist. !!!!!!
There I was standing in theatre with a junior anaesthetist chatting about where her next post was going to be, which just happens to be where my treatment will take place next year. She was chatting away about the workload there due to having to also cover the Assisted Conception Unit. Just at that Mr Dick-for-a-Brain makes the statement 'IVF should be banned', he continued on (oh yes there is more).....You shouldnt mess with mother nature, if you cant fall pregnant naturally then she is trying to tell you something...your not meant to be a mother !!!!! he continued......most of these kids are born with problems and the labours are terrible !!!

I could not believe it ...I was stunned into silence....I walked away, and then the tears came, big massive tears falling down my cheeks, due to shock and rage. How dare he say that. He has 3 kids of which he has obviously had no problem conceiving. His facts are also terribly inaccurate.
I refrained from poking him with large bore cannula's for the rest of the morning. What an ass !!

My Clinic is for Real !!

Yes it is !!
Glasgow Roy.al Infirmary Assisted Conception Unit exists !!
I had a call yesterday, well in fact I had to call them about changes to my details ...... and they confirmed that my treatment will begin in May next year !! Im so frickin excited !
I know its still a long way off.........but.........I have a wedding and a honeymoon happening before that, and a week or 2 after we come back we start the IVF journey..

Aaaaaaarrgghhhhhhhh, our little path is bein laid !! Super excited !.
xx

Would you believe it !!!!!!!!!!

Ok, so my uncles have bought a pub and have asked a few of the family to work in it, Its totally family run and I think its going to be great for bringing us all closer together.

However ................ Im going to have to deal with situations like this................

A girl I know approached the bar last night, I had served her a few times previous but it was really busy last night and I didnt have time to chat. She asked me if we had a drink that she liked but we hadnt yet bought in, so she asked me to reccomend something. I love Stiffys and Lemonade, I know its supposed to be a shot but its lovely as a long drink, I offered her this and told her it was nice and refreshing.....'Just what im looking for' she said. Its what came next that stunned me .......she said......'Ever since ive been pregnant I just cant tolerate my drink !!!!!!! 'everything is coming back on me'.........Holy Fuck. She then took a step back so I could see her from behind the bar and sure as God is my witness, there it was.. an 8 month pregnant belly. '4 weeks to go she says, not long till i get back to drinking my normal, this (the drink I just bloody reccomended) will do for now'. !!

I was shocked and stunned, she had been in and drinking for hours, but it was so busy I never noticed a pregnant tummy in the room. I dont think I actually said a word..Im still in shock.

Why??.... So selfish.

Tut..

xx

Just for the sake of it !

Im posting tonight ...... just for the hell of it.
I have nothing new to report in the stinky world of Infertility!
Work is still the same, busy busy and the threat of swine flu is imminent. In fact im being fitted for my mask in the morning.
Life is great, my darling other half is just fantastic as usual, and family are all great. Talking to everyone very regular, brothers and sisters, and that keeps me happy!

My uncles have opened a pub in the local area and have asked a few of us to work in it. So as well as my nursing duties Im going to work a few wee shifts in the pub too. I can get a wee dance to the music and chat to the locals and it will be just like socialising ! Ha.
It will also help with the wedding fund.

My band man is booked for the wedding, the diet for THE dress hasnt really got under way. I had the cold for over a week and half and couldnt get anywhere near the running club I wanted to join - grr im so crap.
As for tonight, The utter trash that is Big Brother starts tonight - and i LOVE it, !!
Its my time of night where I can sit down and dont need to concentrate, its my chilling time.
So im off for a shower now and a wee body butter session followed by fake tan and some nail painting - just gilry time in general !! Im excited !!
TTFN xx xx xx

A milestone passed !!

We attended the wedding of 2 of our great friends yesterday !!
My other half was the best man, he done a fabulous job, I was so proud of him !
Over a year ago the couple announced they were to be married, initially abroad, and we hesitated on going with them because ........... we planned on being pregnant - ha !!
Ignorance is Bliss !
Here we are over a year later, the wedding passed and no baby or even hint of a pregnancy to speak of - ahhh the best laid plans.
Anyway we survived it without thinking about it - well i did a wee bit, but just a wee bit.
It was the first event I had imagined myself attending with a massive bump - or a tiny little bubba. Anyways thats by the by.

We had an amazing day. It had rained constantly all week. The weather was glorious all day - such a blessing.
The bride was just stunning ! and the groom was dashing ! very lovely couple.
The day went past so fast though its scared me for my own wedding in 10 months. I want to start the day as early as possible now so it lasts that wee bit longer.

Off to enjoy yht rest of my weekend off.
Congratulations S & L. xx

Uneventful !

The above picture is showing just how well my diet is going ^^^^.....more about that later.

Things have been pretty uneventful since my last post. I have a feeling its going to be like this for at least the next 11 months !

I get married next April and am due to start IVF next April/May. So up until then I imagine it to be a lot of planning and organising and saving and freaking and losing weight and freaking even more, then chilling on a gorgeous honeymoon before the impending treatment begins.

So I didnt have to go see Mr Gyn guy. I emailed him and he got back right away - im impressed. He doesnt have to see me at all, it was just a wee mistake. Phew. He ended his email with 'i dont have to see you again, but if I can help with anything please keep in touch', now Im even more impressed. He is a busy man with a funny sense of humour that not many people like or get, but he is kind, and I like that !

Its lovely here this sunny Sunday. OH is working and 'apparently' im tidying round....in actual fact ive tidied a room, half tidied another, put a washing in then popped on the computer for a wee 5 mins to catch up with the cyber world. That was an hour ago.

Totally hoping to see an amazing post from Caz, Praying that Murgdan gets her positive Beta this week, I want Angry Infertile to be given a break and for all this to work out for her, and I want to hear from The Worms regular cos I just loved her posts but understand why she isnt about as much - ((hugs)). Each person there is going through some kind of turmoil right now, in their own way. Im no where near their state of mind right now, Im a whole year away from treatment starting and now that im over the shock of the diagnosis, im doing pretty damn good !!

Weight Loss isnt going as well as planned - in fact its just not going.

Im too sweet toothed, I am addicted to potato scones on a roll for brekkie, I need to get back on the weetabix. I love my new swivel chair so much I dont want to get my 2 stone overweight ass out of it to go to the gym and deal with the fatness. I must do better.

In wedding news. I ordered my dress last Saturday. I took my friends with me before we went to the Girls Aloud Concert. One of them cried. Apparently that means its the dress for me. My wee sister cried the week before too when I tried it on. Ive booked almost everything else, and am going to see the entertainment band tonight. I love being organised and being in control. I think Im going to be hellish when going through IVF. I will hate doctors being in control and me not. So in the next 11 months, learn to love me and get used to my ways, in the hope you will understand when im a total wreck next year ! Ha.

A normal everyday post !!

I have nothing new to report on the IVF front, except the IF consultant has asked to see us again - God knows why as we had our last appt with him a few weeks ago. I think its a mistake, but anyway, he will answer my email soon !!.

Anyways in other news, apart from saving for the wedding, we are also managing to get stuff done to our house, its very slowly but surely taking shape. So a few wee photos to prove I do exist....and live in a house !!!

This is my new couch, I ordered it in 2 different colours, was bricking it incase it would be horrendous and to some of you it still may be - but I love it, I love to be funky and a bit different and love interior design stuff......excuse the fact I have no curtains up yet !!
And again...

This is a wee bustier lady I loved so much I had to have her....I designed and made the canvas behind her, and added some gold roses to the bow round her waist .......Love it. She has pride of place in my hallway !!

I just loved this wine glass shaped vase !!, I jazzed it up a bit and just love it on my window sill !!Ill post another area of the house tomorrow !!

Keeps things a bit interesting - well for me anyway :)...xx

My Other Life !!

I have decided I have 2 lives !!...
Life number 1 is - up until now - pre occupied with infertility and IVF/ICSI.
Life number 2 is all about the wedding and the honeymoon. And boy oh boy does it make me smile !!
Wedding is decided and is April 9th 2010, honeymoon is being booked on Sunday and we are going 5 Star, Platinum/Luxury All Inclusive to Sharm El Sheikh in Egypt. I kid you not, this place is simply heaven, it looks stunning.
The planning of this is taking my mind (almost) off the IVF/ICSI that should take place immediaely post honeymoon.
So for those 2 reasons im wishing this year away.

In other news, Im a nurse in the hospital in Scotland that is currently 'housing' the swine flu victims - thank you C for your concern, I assure you i will be fine (famous last words- lol).
I hope it settles down and doesnt turn into the 'pandemic' they think it is going to.

Anyways, Im going wedding dress shopping tomorrow and then on Sunday I get to book the fantabulous honeymoon !!! Arrrggghhhhhhhhhh - so frikin excited ! xx xx

Its my birthday and ill cry if I want too !! ....

...but I didnt !!
I had/am still having a great day !! I have been spoilt rotten.
My brand spanking super funky new couch was delivered this morning . A 4 seater, a 2 seater and a SWIVEL chair.....oh yes a swivel, Its super comfy and the size of a single bed lol - almost !
Then other half took me out and bought me a new sabo charm AND another sabo bracelet (Thomas Sabo). His mum and step dad also bought me a charm, and my mum got me clothes, Ie still to see my dad !!
Other halfs mum also baked me cup cakes - so cute and I cant wait to get munching !!

I will post pics soon of my funky couch and Sabo gifts - super excited !!. x x x x x x

What now ?????

Its kind of odd. Up until now I have blogged about the planning and testing phase of the IVF/ICSI treatment. I blogged about the initial upset, and where we went from there, up until today where we have a treatment plan, its 12 months away and all we can do is wait...
What do I blog about in between ??
Life in general ?? What i have googled and am scaring myself lifeless with, or what im reading that puts me at ease.
Do you want to know about my wedding plans, or how I feel like the odd child of the family, my family appears normal but is really quite messy at times !! In fact I worried about moving to Australia or America for a while as I would miss them so much - not so sure if they would even notice we had gone. There is always a drama of a kind going on that centres around the same members !!

Also this blogger thing is messing up lately...if i press enter to start a new paragraph it shows a wee flashing cross where the arrow should be and sops me from writing ..its a Royal Pain on the Ass.....

Ill have a wee think about what i can do to fill the blog until the treatment, I dont want to just leave for a year, I know i will fall out of the way of this and wont come back...

Hmmmm Decisions ....

xx xx

If you ever WANT your period to come ...

.......take a pregnancy test !!!!! Yep im almost 2 days late and I have a wee drawer which holds my internet cheapie pregnancy tests, so i thought ...what the hell......it will be a laugh. Needless to say it was BFN, did i expect anything else - did I hell. Im not that lucky. Sure as shite, the pee stick cant be passed the U-Bend yet and I have the bloody staining. Oh yes I POAS and the haggard old fucker arrives. I remember this used to happen when we were 'trying', the regular old way, guaranteed the minute you pee on a stick the red flow would arrive !!! Bitch. Well she will be here full flow by the morning - the cow that she is.

This time last year !

This time last year we had decided to try and conceive for serious (with opk etc), in the months before hand we had just been casually trying - you know as you do !!
This time last year i would have convinced myself I was pregnant by the symptoms im having this month. Af is on her stinking way, will be here on sunday !!
I feel like death - seriously.
Im either in for a sicky bug or im gearing up for the worst period in history.
All this week i have felt tired - shattered in fact. I have really bad tummy ache and back ache, I have no patience - zilch - nada. Im a crabby cow and i know it, and im suffering terrible bouts of nausea - like car sick nausea, and is hitting me like a ton of bricks every single night. Im hardly eating properly because of it and when i do eat its only helping me feel beter for say 30 mins at a time. I used to be excited by these symptoms - before i knew better that was. I hate the fact AF and pregnancy symptoms are so close, I also miss the excitement of 'what if ?'. Im sorry to moan, im just dreading whats appearing this weekend, a storm is brewing and its shaping up to bea cracker. It shall be called Hurricane Flo.

......and just keeps screaming

Yep.......another day closer to AF arriving ....... and another work pregnancy announcement.
Another lovely lovely girl and im happy for her. Seriously I am.
The 2 pregnancy announcements in the last 2 days are 2nd babies for these girls.....I just want one, i would be really really happy with one !!
So thats 2 new pregnancies, and 2 girls heading off on maternity leave ...... wonder what else this week can throw
Cant wait till tomorrow !!!
xx

And so my womb screams .......

News for today........
Just as my womb is aching from the impending AF that will be inhouse for the weekend, my friend in work is pregnant. Now the other 2 have just gone off on Mat leave and now we have a brand new blossoming tummy !! That will be 3 so far this year.
I am absolutely delighted for her - truly. But seriously - when is it going to be my turn ??
Newly pregnant friend had just been referred to infertility and had just received her letter to go see the clinic a few days ago, the same day as she got her BFP !. Miracles do seem to happen for others.
I wish her a healthy and happy pregnancy.
I just want it to be me !
xx

Yesterday

Yesterday was the important appointment day !!

Urologist is happy there is nothing outstanding wrong with D. The undescended testes as a child has caused the trouble - no doubt about it !

And as for the Infertility dude, WE ARE ON THE WAITING LIST !! yay yay yay.

This is a massive step forward for us, so why did I feel the need to have a wee cry to myself last night. ??

I phoned the Clinic where we will be seen and at present we should reach the top at April 2010, a year from now. We are due to be married abroad in May 2010 - we may have to try and pull this forward a bit but thats another story !

The consultant didnt say too much more, just that we are on the list and just have to wait to be seen, we require ICSI treatment as we already knew.....but....... our GP told us there was low count with good quality, consultant told us we have low count and poor quality, ....he did say this was to be expected and that GP probably told us a wee bit of good news to soften the blow . I think thats why i bubbled, im nervous knowing this information.

He has given us his email address for any further questions.

We can receive 2 treatments on the NHS !.

I was a bit down last night, it feels so final and although its great i got a bit weepy.

My mam sent me a wee rhyme today ... its beautiful...

Your label says - Made In Heaven Because your an angel.

Handwash only - because your fragile.

Cold Iron - Because we dont want to burn your wings.

Handle with care - because your a Limited Edition.

Happy Easter Weekend everyone !!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the day we see the consultants. The urology consultant and the fertility consultant.

Tomorrow is the day we will probably be referred to the Glasgow Roy.al for our IVF/ICSI treatment.

Tomorrow is the day that a big fat line wll be drawn under this process and we will move forward and onto the next step.

Im shitting myself for tomorrow.

I should be pregnant by now.

Its been 19 months since the Implanon inplant was removed from my arm by the very same man im seeing tomorrow regarding our infertility - theres irony for you.

We have a wedding next month - gorgeous other half is the best man, in my ignorance I convinced myself I would be pregnant for this wedding, I imagined I would be sitting there swollen ankles and all and rubbing my tummy whilst beaming with pride as he gave his best man speech.

But it wasnt to be ......

Instead

- we are waiting to be impregnated by doctors - the god thing being that we will see our 'baby' before it gets transferred into my womb !! no fertiles can say that eh !

- we are labelled with infertility, and God forbid anyone mentions babies around us, wow that might push us right over the egde.

- we are dealing with the ..when will it be you ? questions and the 'dont worry you will be next !' statements.

- we are left in limbo as to when we will get to the top of the NHS waiting list, 2010 sometime

and most of all we are left wondering if this will even work for us full stop.

- we are left to take our lives appointment by appointment as opposed to day by day.

Thank goodness we are solid as a rock.

Thank goodness I started this blog, so many people are going through what we are going through and its great to read the story and see that life really does continue when faced with something as horrid and vile as infertility..

Its nice to give and receive support and prayers at this time in our life.

I dont have enemies, but if I did I wouldnt wish it on any of them.

So will the sun come out for us tomorrow ? Fingers crossed. xx

Hes A boy !!!!

Hello.

We got the blood results from the chromosome and the cystic fibrosis tests on DF today.

He is a boy !! Woo hoo ! He is so proud....lol

His chromosome test and CF test came back normal - relief.

Its another wee weight off our shoulders

We have our consultant appointment next Wednesday - 8th April, and now today we got a urology appointment the same morning. So its all go for next week.

xx

You should TOTALLY know better !!

Last night I was out at a hen party ! It was great fun and my feet are killing me, my ankles are skint from a dance off competition involving pole dancing (dont ask) and im shattered !!

Anyway, I got too hot last night and i popped off outside for some air, followed by a smoker, Lovely lady she was, praising my hair and my eyes and my teeth (she was blinded by alcohol)and my 'hot boyfriend' (her words - she had saw him earlier in the evening)- then she asked what age I was.....28 was the reply....and have you got any kids she asked.......i answered NO not yet (as nicely as i could)...well then it started ......

Her - oh you dont want to leave it too late ... you dont want to be putting your kids out to school at 40, i mean thats just wayyyyyyyyy to old !!

Me - (nervous laugh) hehe ok !

Her - i mean im not telling you what to do or anything but you really need to get a move on....

Me - **eyeing up her cigarette ready to stab her in the eye**

Her - I had mine at 28, and i needed IVF to have mine ......

I couldnt believe it, she has been through this, the pain , the secrecy, the awkward questions.....has she not learned, she should totally know better......

and so she went on .......

Her - Im just so lucky it worked for me ....(draws on the fag)......it only works for 1 in 4 couples you know, and well there were 3 other couples doing it at the same time....(draws on the fag again) so i guess we were the lucky ones (draws on the fag) ...hardest thing I have ever had to go through.

Me - ** No shit lady, shut the fuck up. (in reality I sat quietly in shock)

I was saved not long after by another smoker who changed the topic - thank the Lord !

20 minutes later she appeared up to me, someone had jump on her toe and ripped the nail off - it was literally hanging by a thread (it wasnt me - i swear).

In all honesty she was really nice, but has obviously not learned that there are just some things you dont keep going on about, I know my experince so far has taught me that I wont persistantly ask anyone about their child plans, you just dont know whats going on in someones life.

On a positive note I lost 3.5 lbs this week ! yay, xx

Picture Tagged

I was picture tagged, ive never been blog tagged before. Im frikin excited !!

This is a Lion. (no shit eh !! ) It was from a day at the safari park with our niece and nephew. We had a brilliant day and they had an absolute ball and were spoiled rotten. Not the most exciting photo but hey its the 6th picture in the 6th folder.

So The rules are thus:1. Find your sixth picture folder and in that folder, the sixth picture.2. Post it on your blog with some of the background of the picture.3. Tag four others and leave a comment on their blog to let them know they’ve been tagged.

I now have to tag 4 other people .......so i tag.

http://kamikazecaz.blogspot.com/

http://xbox4nappyrash.blogspot.com/ -

http://angryinfertile.blogspot.com/

http://infertilityonthebrain.blogspot.com/.

I have no idea how to rename these links so it just came up with a single name that you can click on. I apologise for being rubbish. xx xx

My Hero

The Results are in !! The Infertility Dude (who has no name yet, ill decide one when I see him on the 8th of next month) sent us a letter that we got this morning !!

Df sperm results are back at 2 million/ml - 2 feckin million/ml !!!!! Its doubled !! Last time we got them checked they were 1 million/ml (obviously, if they have doubled - duh). The time before that they were only 0.2 million/ml - so 2o0'000 wee guys in a wee ml of fluid !! They are increasing every time, thats great news, at least they arent diminishing or worse again dissapeared altogether.

Needless to say, Df thinks he is the bombdiggidy, strutting around, chest puffed out, shoulders widened and demanding to be called SuperSpunk. He is so rude, and so on that planet alone !!

Apparently now he can father all of your babies - at the same time ! SSSsshhh we wont wake him - wee sowel. He continues to be good and takes his vitamins so I have to praise him, he has been great.

Seriously though, we did get excited at that. Every time we have a new set of tests done the results get better and although we are still wayyy out of 'normal' limits it edges us that wee bit closer to being able to produce a miracle baby, and conceiving on our own. Obviously we are not pinning our hopes on that, we know we need treatment, but our increasing results gives us that little glittery bit of hope that we all want.

Check out this video, its fantastic !!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09kLIsNfaO8&feature=related

xx

On route !!

She is on her way - again ! Not that i expect anything but the damned witch to appear every feckin 28 days, but she will be here by the morning !!

I know this because im a crabbit, tired, headachy, emotional wreck, and df keeps kissing me on the head, i think its to keep me sitting down. He also took me out for pizza tonight - that was to shut me up for 10 minutes ! I know all his tricks now.

In good news we got a new car today, its the 'family' car, we just need the family now! lol.

We decided to car share to save some pennies, currently we both have a car each and its silly, we are always together and one car lies stationary against the kerb. So we have got rid of our cars and bought a lovely new car and we are going to try hard to make it work. It will save us about £300 per month, quite a lot considering we are saving up for a wedding.

I have had a lovely week off on holiday and the weather has been great but back to it tomorrow. Shit. I want to be a stay at home wife/mum/lazy beatch. I dont really i would get so bored.

Its Mothers Day on Sunday, Df was going to buy me a bright pink potted plant as a 'Wannabe A Mothers Day' gift. We bought them for our own mums instead.

Im rambling now in my emotional PMT state. so im going to bed in the hope I get a good sleep tonight !!.

xx

3rd Time Lucky

Its detailed SA sample time today. This is the 3rd one, 3rd time lucky maybe?? maybe he wont have a problem after all - wishful thinking !

Hopefully its the final sample DF has to hand in before we are doing ICSI.

He is such a trouper, having read more than a few blogs i understand that not all men are compliant with this, it makes them feel less of a man, or they are just simply embarassed. My DF has been great from the start, i didnt have to twist his arm to start these tests and he doesnt have a problem with doing his stuff in a cup and running over to the clinic with it. Im so happy with this - it definately makes it easier.

I love him more for making this easier, I Love him more as i dont have to coax him every step of the way, I love him more as we are on the same page on this journey - he definately has my heart and I cannot wait to marry him next year and have his child(ren).

I assumed the previous 2 samples had been analysed in detail - apparently not. So im not entirely sure how this one is different, but they wanted one done before we see the ferility consultant in April.

So thats really all thats happening right now, and now we go on to the waiting part again......i frikin hate waiting !! it bores the pants off me !

xx

Eugh !

I have laryngitis !! what a pisser....i feel bloody rotten !

I have no voice, well a bit of a squeak but thats it. Lucky for me the ENT guys at work had a look at me today (perk of being a nurse) and they got me started on some antibiotics quick smart, and recommended complete voice rest - those boys know nothing about me at all !

I am trying to preject what voice i have so much that im making myself dizzy and sweating like a lunatic. So now im trying to be good and not talk. I eventually came away from work at 4ish feeling exhausted.

In fertility related news, one of the girls on another ward is going through what we are going through - i have just found out. She is a good bit further on than me and has just had her 3rd failed icsi attempt, that kinda frightened the life out of me !! I have tried to be so positive up until now, but this makes me realise how easy it is to be left with no children at all...it will be nice though to chat to this girl about her experiences and find out more about the process.

Im trying to visualise a nice baby bump, and people rubbing my baby bump and talking to it, im trying to imagine the lead up to maternity leave and the excitement of finding out if its a girl or a boy ..im trying to visualise 2 lines on a pregnancy test other than the false positive i got before christmas - it was a cracker of a bfp let me tell you. I want my mum and davies mum to be buying secret stashes of baby clothes and blankets.....i must stay positive, this is going to work for us - it has too !

xx

Nothing to exciting to report, Our next appointment is the beginning of April and i have sneaky peaked at all the results i have access too. We got a letter from Mr Gynae man saying that the cause of our problems was the high FSH from DF, and that indicated a problem in the testes....no real news there, we already knew. It went on to say he could not offer us any hormonal treatment and that he would discuss this with us at the visit.....im assuming he is going to say im sorry but you definately need IVF .....with ....dun dun dun ICSI !! NO SHIT EH, should i act surpised ?? should i pretend i havent googled the repercussions of undescended testes and knew before him what my treatment plan would be ??.....no, ill smile nice and say please and thank you at all the appropriate parts.

Something funny and annoying happened today !
I get my asda shopping delivered and the wee man started making conversation....

Asda guy - this is a nice area you live at here

Me - yes i love it

Asda guy - its a great area for kids with all this grass (we have a huge grassy bit at the front of our house)

Me - yep it sure is (i so know whats coming)

Asda guy - you have kids dont you ?

Me - Nope not yet

Asda guy - I thought you had one !!

Me - No no none yet (i was really thinking, well you thought wrong mister)

Asda guy - ah well your time will come

Me - (nervous awkward laugh)

Asda guy - I have 3 now, they are bloody hard work, ...... in fact just dont you bother having any they are so bloody expensive

Me - (nervous awkward laugh) thinking - fuck off !

DF and myself had a giggle about it when he went away, Df says i should have started telling him our whole story so far and what our treatment plan was - he would have run a mile.

I think ill shop at tesco now.

He is a nice wee man, but its just funny how people plan out your life for you without having a dandoo (clue) what we are going through.

Good Luck to Caz who has just moved house, Good Luck to all those stimming, Going through Egg collection, egg implantation and the 2ww. In fact good luck to everyone going through this whole rotten process regardless of what stage you are at !

I really wanted to be involved in that sock exchange thingy, but my silly computer wouldnt allow me to email for details. grrr !. xxxx

Sneaky peeking causes anxiety !!

Yeh so im not such a smart ass after all the sneaky peeking ive been doing - not that it will stop me of course !!

One of the results have come back DOUBLE what it should be. My darling fiances serum FSH level is 24.something. It should be under 11 i think ....... and apparently this indicates a testes problem. Now we know about this already, we have gorgeous sexy little swimmers, just not enough of them, so this is no shockarooney to us. Here is my problem.....

I love google, google as educated me no end, google brought me to this blog and made me write even when i was at my lowest after finding out that sex doesnt always make babies ...but....google is giving me conflicting advice. Google suggests that men with a high FSH cannot father their own babies as the sperms are not good enough quality due to the teste failure.....and then after i freaked out accordingly and started reading everything available on this shitty little subject, goodle updated me with the fact that doctors really shouldnt carry out the test anymore, with the invention of the godsend we call ICSI this problem is eliminated and the best ones are chosen and loads of men with high fsh have fathered babies with some assistance, and that there are many forms of teste failure and some of them including the undescended teste one that df had as a child means the little guys are perfectly normal there just isnt enough. ! - why couldnt it have directed me to this little piece of info first !!! tut.

I have another worry.....(i hope you are all sitting comfortably and ready to relax me with expert opinions)...my heart literally sank when that blood test came back...i dont know why but it did, and now im bricking it for the chromosome test and the cystic fibrosis one...i dont think that even if these came back as bad results it would alter out treatment plan..hmmm...would it ?? does anyone know?? why the fek do i have to wait another 5 weeks to find out.

Bugger.

xx

Sneaky wee peek !

Im a bad nurse....i used my powers ( well my username and password to the labs results) to have a sneaky wee peek at the blood results that will be back already. They looked ok so far, all within normal limits with the odd one or two slightly above or below, but not enough to make a huge difference.

I wonder if they will know i looked !!!

Still got a few results to come back, im sure they will be back by Monday..(ill sneak another peek)..and then the bigger ones are at York.hill so i wont get them at all - damn it- and they are the ones im most intrigued, nervous and shitting myself about (cystic fibrosis and chromosome ones)..ah well only 5 and a half weeks to go until we get those. fuk.

xx

p.s - period from hell is here a few days early..the thin lining they said i had, was a lie im sure, as its escaping continously with great pain and discomfort...judging by the pain im in, my womb will be falling from my foo foo any minute now - au revior - can you tell im pissed off !!

1st appointment done & dusted !

Well today was appointment day !!

Our first proper infertility appointment a a couple - and it went well, really well and the nurses/lab staff were lovely.

So we went into a wee room where we were asked a few qusetions and the dreaded height and weight done, it was fine and im fine and im not a massive heifer who cant get ivf due to fatness...i was dreading that lol, i sucked in my tummy and stood up tall hoping and praying i was almost levitating !! ill keep going with the healthy eating i still want to lose a bit more.

Anyway, enough rambling,after we both got grilled about lifestyle and how often we have intercourse - how rude lol - we got taken to the doodlebug cam room. Df got to watch as doodlbug took lots of pictures, he wont be doing it again he says, he thought it looked like she was hurting me - bless. The nurse thought one of my ovaries looked slightly polycystic but as my periods are regular she thinks its most probably not relevant, she also thought the lining of my womb was a bit thin considering im just about to come onto a period, again she didnt feel this was a massive deal as it may thicken over the next few days.

We got taken from there to another room where we were asked even more questions and got blood samples taken - enough to feed dracula for a very long time let me tell you. Holy moly we are getting tested for everything. Df is getting the tests for cysic fibrosis and chromosome testing, i dont know why but i feel a bit nervous for those. We have to go back in 6 weeks to see the consultant when all the results will be back and then we will be referred to Glas.gow Ro.yal.

We then went for a nice breakfast before i went to work. So all in all it was a good day !.

xx

Even better news !! - the NHS pulled it out the bag this time !!

so i took myself of up to the infertility floor of the hospital where i work to confirm the appointment they had given me for March, and to cancel the duplicate one they had obviously mistakenly given me in the the hope someone else gets it and gets a wee surprise letter in the door !!

I got chatting to the lovely lady at reception and she truly was lovely, along came the nurse, who incidentally was the nurse i have the appointment with who was also truly lovely - result. They told me to keep calling every week to see if there was any cancellations and they could get me in quicker - i was falling in love with these ladies - lol.

So to cut along story short, there i was recovering my patient when the phone goes, its for me, and its the reception lady at the clinic, she is offering me a cancellation, she went out of her way to find me a cancellation and phone me and offer it to me.......and its on Thursday, as in THIS THURSDAY... i am so excited and so pleased and so grateful. **note to self, buy these ladies some chocolate**..

So while this lady is popping the doodlebug (as it will fondly be known) into my womanly area and taking some photos (transvaginal scan), i will still be loving her, as she got me the doodlebug appointment a month early, which means we get to start this journey a month earlier. Im excited. .....can you tell ?? xx

My Valentine .

As its Valentines Day, My fantastic other half chose the image for my blog - how sweet.

Love is in the Air..

My great guy bought me tickets to a wedding fayre being held today - i had mentioned to him a few weeks back i didnt think he was interested in any plannng of the wedding as I was being left to do all the work (not that i mind and itwasnt a nag it was just a statement - the big give away was the blank looks i got when i mentioned things like flowers and table linen). So while I thought he wasnt too interested he went and ordered tickets for us both to go to this show - how sweet. It was excellent and we got some nice lunch too.

It was a welcome change to have my head and thoughts entirely filled with something other than baby madness and IVF. Im excited to start planning all the wedding stuff im not looking forward to paying for it ...eek.

In other news..Ja.de Go.ody has been given a short time to live due to her spreading cervi.cal ca.ncer. I know many people dont really like her. I do, and always have. I like people who wear their heart on their sleeve and get in trouble as they dont put on a show when paparazzi are around - and thats just her to a tee. So my prayers are going out to Ja.de and her family, especially her 2 young boys.

Oh and my diet starts on Monday after the realisation i will be getting WEIGHED at my IF appointment - fuk !.

xx

Something to report !!

We have an appointment to see Mr Infertility Guy - well actually its his nurse but at least we have an appointment !!

March 12th !... yay.

Im excited, i dont know what will happen, probably not much but still im excited.

Well i do actually as ive read the leaflet about 5 times. I have to get a scan (transvaginal...eek) and they will take a medical history and height and weight .....aaarrrghhhh, MUST lose weight, even a few pounds would help.

We both know nothing major can be done for us at this hospital, we need to be referred to Gl.asgow R.oyal, as thats where the magic happens (IVF/ICSI) !

Anyway we are on the road, before we were just standing at the kerbside waiting for a wee opening to let us on, but now we are on it - hopefully it will be rush hour and not traffic jam !

Caz, keep ur chin up honey it will happen.

xx

Sue - the angel !

Sue is a great friend of mine, we work together and have become very very good friends, and i hope she in my life for a long time to come.
She bought me a gift to carry with me while i go through this 'journey'

An Angel of Hope Card..
it reads......
No matter what the situation
you must always strive
to hold onto your hope
and you'll feel stronger and survive

For an angel's watching over you
who'll help you
make a start
to recover all the
hope you have thats hidden in your heart.

I think thats lovely, so im passing this message on to any readers of my blog.
xx

Im Ovulating !!

Yep in sure am, ovulating. Definatley- absolutely - no doubt about it !!

Oh yes now that we are 'infertile' my body has decided to let me know big style when im ovualting, like its teasing me as it knows i can do feck all with that little egg travelling down my fallopian tube right now. Back 100 years ago when we were actively 'trying' (God i hate that phrase) i had to pee on an opk just to know. I had no tummy niggles, no tiredness and most of all no ewcm...i had no idea what those four letters even stood for, and i was certainly not owning up to eggy jelly stuff coming away from my foo foo. But now i could put any damn chicken to shame, i produce more egg white than a battery hen farm, and i most certainly feel the niggles in my tummy. So why now does it decide to do all this ? Am i more in tune with my body? Am i more relaxed now i know we need 'help'? Either way im pissed off !!

I suppose i should be glad im ovulating every month not thats its any good when we have cack spermies, but at least we have one less problem to worry about !!

Ho Hum, Never mind. I just had to get that off my chest !.

xx

Its been ages !!

Ages and ages since ive posted !!

I have nothing to write about, nothing at all. Still waiting on appointments for various IF related things to come through the door.

Nothing new to report in the life of us two either. Df still off recovering from shoulder, but is doing well now - he is such a trouper !! We are still trying to make decision about the wedding, and im working all the overtime sent to me to pay for it ! ha !

I meant to post a wee piccy of my new Christmas pressies that i just love !

Df got me a links bracelet its gorg and i love it, my mam got me a Thomas Sabo bracelet. I love it too, it has a wee angel wings charm on it, my mam loves angels so it has special meaning, its the bracelet i will wear during my IF treatment, and any charms added to it are going to have special meaning too.

This is my Sabo bracelet, i was sure i had one of my Links bracelet too, but i cant find it so thats for another post !

Good Luck for this month Caz, batton down the hatches dolly !!xxxx

Just a quickie !

Rebecca - mothers are definately the best !!

My great friend Sue sent me a wee message last night ... it was lovely so im putting it here to keep forever it said.....
Dear God,
The lovely girl reading this is beautiful, classy and gorgeous and i love her so much, help her live her life to the fullest. Please promote her. She needs you the most and let her know when she walks with you, she will always be safe.
I thought that was lovely, she really is a brilliant friend and im so glad she knows of my situation - she helps me every day !
xx

Fairly quiet this end !!

I got this photo from another fantastic blogger !! ... i think it looks lovely and peaceful, i would be quite happy sitting here just watching the world go past, waiting for God to answer my prayers.....and also waiting for the frikin appointments from hospitals !!!

Havent been here for a few days. Not that much happening to be honest !

Still waiting on the appointment to see the fertility specialist although we already know he cant do a thing for us apart from refer us to Glas.gow Ro.yal for ICSI....'apparently' the wait is about 16 weeks, which means april time - however both my mum and I work in the local hospital, where lo and behold Mr Fertility Dude works, so my mother is going to accost him in theatre on wednesday and try and get him to bring our appointment forward ..lol...mothers eh ! shes quite good friends with him so i have no doubt she will be able to pull some strings. I on the other hand accosted the Urology consultant who DF has been referred to, he was lovely, he will see DF but knows nothing other than IVF/ICSI will help- which he was VERY positive about. If we can get the fertility appt soon then they wont even bother holding us up anymore by seeing him.

So other than waiting on appointments there is nothing we can do, im bored waiting already !!

Upside is, i have time to lose some weight, i want to lose 25lbs for my wedding, and it will help with IVF too.

So thats it really...

im keeping everything crossed for my good friend who has just had another long cycle, no one deserves to go thru what w are all going through, its crap, and fingers crossed and baby dust to the other bloggers in the 2ww and those about to go through any kind of assisted conception !

More family support...

My younger brother now knows...boys are boys and dont usually say much. He didnt initially but after a few hours i got a text ...it read..." Hi sis, soz to hear your bit of bad news, both keep your heads up high, still got a bit of hope, we r all here for you's no matter wot xx"

God Love him...if u knew my brother(s) they dont really show their feelings, so this is massive. Obviously over this time ive had a few lovely texts from my mum, sister, mother in law and aunts, i wish now i had written them here as a way of reminding me of the support we have received. I will never forget them though. My dad didnt say much either but i know he is there. Just one other brother to find out now and thats me done. He can be insensitive at times, i think its how he deals with awkward situations so i dont know what he will be like. My wee bros girlfriend also text me a lovely message, it so nice to have the support of close family and friends.

Caz i hope it stays away for u hunni, fingers crossed !!

** edited on 12/1/09

Other brother and his girlfriend knows...J has been great and text me the morning after finding out - she has had her fair share of baby drama last year too...and she is there if i need to talk.

Brother hasnt said much and i dont expect him too, he deals with things a little differently than most in that he chooses to ignore it, he never really knows whats goin on in my life as we are both really busy and dont see each other too often.

xx

A treasure of a find..

This relates to us no end .... and i believe every word, ive also come to realise that no matter what we have come through, currently going through or about to go through, i will be ok. We will be ok.

What God Meant...
"Couples experiencing infertility often receive well-meaning but extremely insensitive "advice." We can all list the most popular ones; "just relax and you'll get pregnant," or "adopt and you'll get pregnant," or "why can't you just be happy with what you have," or the most painful from the ones who seem to have the good on God's plan; "maybe God never meant for you to have children." The sheer audacity of making a statement like that never ceases to amaze me. These same people would never walk up to someone with cancer and say, "maybe God never meant for you to live." However since I am infertile, I am supposed to get on with my life.It is hard to understand why people cannot see infertility for what it is: a disease for which I have the right to seek treatment. What if doctors said to the parents of polio victims, "Maybe God meant for thousands of children to be cripples, live in iron lungs or die." What if they never tried to find a cure? Who could think for one minute that was God's plan?Why do I think God gave me infertility? I think he meant for my husband and I to grow closer, become stronger, love deeper. I think God meant for us to find the fortitude within ourselves to get up each time infertility knocks us down. I think God meant for our medical community to discover medicines, invent medical equipment, and to create procedures and protocols. I think God meant for us to find a cure for infertility. No, God never meant for me NOT to have children. That is not my destiny, that is just a fork in the road I am on. I have been placed on the road less traveled, and like it or not, I am a better person for it. Clearly, God meant for me to develop more compassion, deeper courage, and have greater inner strength on this journey to resolution and I haven't let him down.Frankly, if the truth be known, I think God singled me out for special treatment. I think God meant for me to build a thirst for a child so strong and deep that when the baby is finally placed in my arms, it will be the longest, coolest most refreshing drink I have ever known. While I would never have chosen infertility, I cannot deny that a fertile woman could never experience the joy that I know awaits me. Yes, one way or another, I will have a baby of my own. And, the next time someone wants to offer me unsolicited advice, I'll say, "Don't tell me what God meant when he handed me infertility, I already know". - Anon

Hello 2009 - i hope im going to like you !

Happy New Year !! Its Officially 2009 !!

Im so excited to be in this year, it HAS to be better than 2008 which was a pit of shittyness !

Newsflash - We are THAT couple !

You know the couple that everyone gets on well with .....THAT couple who are so good together, who everyone says ' they are a lovely couple - they are so good together'...yes we are THAT couple. Over the holidays we have visited friends and family, and it has been fed back to us that apparently we are perfect together and a lovely couple - its lovely to know, of course we know this already - lol !! Now what strikes me is that when our news comes out to extended family , we will be thought of as that perfect couple who they cannot believe cant have babies the normal way - who are so good with everyone elses children yet may not be able to have their own... i dont mind this as i know we will get massive support from our families and extended families, they are all great - but we are THAT couple.

Plans for this year include,

- organising the wedding of our dreams

- working my ass off to pay for it

- getting our initial appointments with IF specialist and urologist out of the way

- getting on that waiting list at Glasgow Royal

- dealing nicely with the idiots who constantly moan about pregnancy - yes i will smile and be polite - i promise

- get in the best shape of my life - ahem - big challenge !

but the main thing is, im going to do it all with a smile on my face and my darling df beside me - i love him so so much !

We will both get through this year with a smile on our faces !!

x x x