What the fuck !!

One of my SATC girls and very good friend is on at me to remain positive......so here it is ......

Today im 7dpo....and ..i have ewcm, and frikin loads of it, what the fek !!!!

Talk about confusing a girl !!!

Im trying not to think too much into it and dare not think it could be a sign that my prayers and endless begging has been answered !! Instead i believe my horrid horrid rat arse of a body is playing silly tricks on me !! i have wee cramps too.

It seems ironic my last post was full of prayers, and tonight im cursing like a loon, but im allowed to rant and vent here, so ill say what i bloody well please !!! so there !!

In other news, my other fantabulous friend in work knows !! and she was gr8, i could tell she wanted to cry for me, but she stayed strong ! she has been through quite a bit herself so i know she knows what its like to feel pain ! Its good having friends knowing - it takes a load off !

We are both getting married a month apart in 2010, so we can get excited about that together ... yay ...

She told me today to ask my guardian angel for help as her mum firmly believes in this, so guess who ill be talking to tonight ....... im also going to be in her prayers , i have gr8 friends !.

Im in mortal agony from the body pump session yesterday... must be good for me.

Im asking for help !!

Prayer to Saint Anthony of Padua, Performer of Miracles

Dear Saint Anthony, your prayers obtained miracles during your lifetime. You still seem to move at ease in the realm of minor and major miracles. Saint Anthony, Performer of Miracles, please obtain for me the blessings God holds in reserve who serve Him. Pray that I may be worthy of the promises my Lord Jesus attaches to confident prayer. That i will be blessed with a child or children of my own. Amen.

Prayer to St Gerard (unofficial saint to those seeking motherhood)

Good St Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your aid. You know that our marriage has not as yet been blessed with a child and how much my husband and I desire this gift. Please present our fervent pleas to the Creator of life from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless us with a child whom we may raise as His child and heir of Heaven. Amen.

**note to self, get a St Gerard medal**

Patron Saint of Infertile Men

PRAYER TO ST. NICHOLAS OF MYRA O Saint Nicholas, bountiful Father and special Patron of our Byzantine Catholic Church. You are a shepherd and teacher to all who invoke your protection, and who, by devout prayer, call upon you for aid. Hasten and save the flock of Christ from ravenous wolves; and by your holy prayers protect all Christians and save them from worldly disturbances, earthquakes, attacks from abroad, from internal strife, from famine, flood, fire, sword, and sudden death. As you had mercy on those three men in prison and saved them from the king's wrath, now also have mercy on me who by word, deed, and thought have sunk into the darkness of sin. Save me from the just anger of God, and from eternal punishment. Through your intercession and aid as well as through his own mercy and grace, may Christ our God allow me to lead a tranquil and sinless life, and save me from standing at "his left," but deem me worthy to stand at "his right" with all the saints. Amen.

St Rita of Cascia, Patron Saint for Infertility and hopeless cases

Glorious St. Rita, patroness of those in need/ your intercession with our Lord is most powerful./ Through the favors obtained by your prayers/ you have been called Advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases./ St. Rita, humble and pure; patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified!/ We have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you, will find comfort and relief./ Listen to our petitions and show your power with God in our behalf./ Obtain our petitions for us/ if they are for the greater honor of God, and for our good./ We promise, if our petitions are granted,/ to make known your favor, and to glorify God for His gift./ Relying on your power with the merciful Savior, we ask of you to bless us with a child or children to love and cherish.

Why do i do it ???

Tonight is x-factor night, in addition to this i have read every ivf story i could find on a gr8 website called ivf connections !!...Some cycles have worked 1st time, some 2nd, some 3rd....and some not at all.....i go thru the 'oh my god it worked first time' to 'oh my god it didnt work at all' and what will happen to me, will i be in the lucky group or the 'im sorry theres nothing more we can do for u group'.....

I know by reading this stuff im preparing myself for whats probably going to happen to us, at the same time is ignorance really bliss ?? Im thinking probably not when faced with shitty infertility !!

So this time nxt month my christmas tree will be up and we will be preparing for another SA ..the 9th of december is THE day.....the results are backon the 19th of December !! Aaaaarrrghhhhhh, if its the same then fine, im dealing with it, if its better, great it might give us more options......if its normal then why am i not pregnant?? and if it worse where can i buy a gun ?? No seriously if its worse then i dnt know what ill be like....i have to start trying to prepare for that now.... even if there are only a few we can still get ICSI ...if they r good ones....

Fingers Crossed and lots of prayers please please please !!!

My dream and the interpretation of it !!

I had this dream.....in the dream i was sitting on a hill thinking about IVF....(its all ive bloody thought about awake, why does it have to be in my dreams too??)

Anyway, i saw my dad at the bottom of the hill and i havent told him yet about whats going on so i shouted on him as i was going to tell him ... he saw me and started to come up the hill to see me as he neared i saw him looking over my head in terror......i turned round and looked up and at the very top of the hill i saw the most evil looking man with the most horrid eyes !...he was staring at me...like he was going to come down to where i was and kill me, but had been stopped by seeing my dad ....anyway my dad ran up and picked me up (now i know im dreaming lol) and ran to the bottom of the hill to safety !!

So i relayed this to my friend in work who is aware of my situation ....she thinks ....the hill represents my problem (the infertility and ivf), and the scary man is my guilt for not telling my dad......clever eh !!......I will tell him, just not yet, ill wait till later and see what happens with these tests and stuff !! No need for anyone else to be worrying ! xx

The 2ww is a pisser !!!!

Im trying so hard not to remember im in the 2 ww.....after all can anything actually happen for me?

when im not thinking about it, the niggling feelings low down remind me that this time last month i would be noting down every wee symtpom and hoping and praying that it meant a baby was trying frantically to stick to my uterus !!

Urgh its horrible.....ive been better this week, i have been up to lots with work and the gym and wrapping chrstmas pressies !! yup u got it ....Christmas is almost here !! yay

Well anyways im 5dpo so ive still got a bit of a way to go in this 2ww malarky. Ive been chatting away in work to the pregnant girls..... they r doing really well and one had a scan and everything is gr8 and the other has hers on Tuesday its exciting for her !! hopefully it will calm herdown a wee bit - shes mental, but in a lovely way !.....its been ok chatting to them, my tummy isnt lurching as much as it did, i think im accepting whats happening to me a bit better now. Some are asking if the baby thing is on hold till after the wedding in May 2010....im just saying yes !

I havent prayed for a while but im finding myself talking to those above more often now, is this normal? am i being a hypocrit? - i do it then feel bad .....am i only doing it as i need help? do those above feel used ?? damn my catholic guilt !

In other news my bonsai is fully 'leaved' again....im so pleased....it 'died' the same week we got our bad news, but i looked after it and its back to full health again !!! im hoping is mirroring my life and the tests were rotten but now they will be back to normal again next month !

Went to tesco tonight instead of asda ....... it was shit !! Note to self never to go again !!!

Oh happy days !!

Hey, not much to blog about really, this will be a quiet month ....

i have a diet blog running alongside this, i was going to lump it together in the one blog but it could get confusing and full of cack, so im doing a seperate blog !!

Im feeling good this week, had a nice weekend off...and im feeling bad now for moaning about the pregnant girls -they are so lovely and i can listen to them talk their baby talk this week (so far) without feeling like someone is ripping out my womb and ovaries at the same time.....i swear if i listen close enough my womb is screaming and crying albeit a bit quieter this week !

So its taken me 3 weeks to get to this stage - good to remember for the future - if required !!.x

Happy November !!

Another good day all round, got a long lie which was well needed and got myself ready, indulged in some shopping with the skin and blister ....and sat in at night with a very healthy evening meal of pizza chips pakora and naan bread......yup my diet has begun !!!!

ah well at least i havent cried ! lol

Tummy is sore, ovulating is a pisser especially when u cant really expect anything from the 2ww (Two week wait)..

Got some christmas presents in today, all for the kids right enough - everyone elses bloody kids !! thats them all nearly bought for ! then i can move onto the adult stuff .

November is going to be my good month, December will become wobbly again, so im making November be good to me !