Almost November !! yay !

Happy Halloween !!

Its been a good day today, busy at work, got my hair done, and spent some quality time with mother and sister!

Im ovulating this weekend and this has been verified by the crampy pains and total tiredness...DF has just asked if i want to be 'fertilised' - CHARMING !!!

Looking forward to a long lie tomorrow and the start of November, the month where im going to try and chill and spend some quality time on me.. Woo Hoo

Oh another upside is that i got a Take That ticket for June nxt year !..a whole crowd of us from work are going, it will be great - and something to look forward to after christmas, and by that timebit will be 11 months till my wedding !! yayyay !!

Its a short post tonight as im feeling good today - but im tired and off to bed...yawn !

1 Day To Go

One day to go till i see the back of this shitty month, October 2008 will go down as the worst month of my life ever ....

Things at work were a bit better today, it was pretty busy so there was a lock down on the babytalk... yay !! - i feel like a bitch for saying that cos i love hearing about it usually ....im just sooo not in THAT place right now !

Yesterday ended pretty much how the whole day went and in the end up i cried myself to sleep...its so hard pretending everything is ok, and that im strong, when im not - so clearly, i am not !

In my head i have us getting ivf , regardless of the nxt batch of results...and the 3 cycles failing, for a moment i allow myself to believe it may work and i may even get twins - i would love it !, then i think about how unlucky we have been and i get doubts creeping in !

So anyway, back to today, i was asked why ive been so quiet, quite a few times, people are noticing....fuk.....must try harder to be normal !! I want to say I CANT TAKE ANY MORE ...i cant listen to the baby talk right now....maybe tomorrow or next week, but right now you are slowly killing me - i didnt tho i was an angel

So more positive news, as a way of celebrating the end of this month i have decided im going to have a new me in November !! As of the 1st of November im starting my diet and gym routine...im going to make an effort to try and be a bit tanned up (i start this fake tanning routine but get bored easily), and im going to give myself little beauty treatment often and make sure i have lovely skin for christmas..

Im also getting my hair done tomorrow night...so that will take me nicely into November, which im looking forward to...

So tonight i gave you a more positive post, and can i just say how much i love my DF.....he just lay and cuddled me last night, he has been so worried as im not myself - he took me out tonight, just to the shops and to his cousins and i know it was just to get me out the house for a while !! He is the best !!

Oh this IF shit is not funny !!! - oh and im ovulating this weekend - should be fun !!

Hand me a gun please !!

I could scream this week at work, trillions of baby talk.....its hard going....i understand their excitement and they have no idea about my situation......i really like the girls im just really struggling this week !!

My pregnant friend took the huff today, usually i would be the one to try and bring someone out a mood, especially a friend, but i dont have the strength to do this, i shouldnt have too, my heart is sore and aching and my head is up my arse, you are pregnant and going to have exactly what i may not be able to have so what the fek have u got to be so moody about !!..i know hormones are to blame but this friend was in almost the exact same situation only a few months ago, only difference being she has a child already - gorgeous wee girly.

Im really bored too and this isnt helping, im struggling to motivate myself, the dark nights are coming in and when i get home i dnt want to go back out to the gym ... i need too, i will NOT have a doctor putting any IF treatment on hold till i lose weight. I WILL DO IT !!

Im just really really down just now, i cried for the first time in probably a week...it hasnt helped !!

Psychic Help ??

Tomorrow night my mum and i are off to see Colin Fry live. I do believe in this kind of stuff, altho im not expecting anyone to come through for me - i have asked by the way.....so grans, granda - any relatives if ur up there - surprise me !!

I logged into the Colin Fry website and saw a caption saying Positive Thought For The Day...

it read ' Dreams can only come true if you have confidence in yourself ' ....i like it !!

At the moment im struggling to have confidence in anything....its slowly coming back to me tho.

' Dont cry over someone who wont cry over you'...totally unrelated but i heard it last night and just wanted to keep a note of it !!

Im blogging everything just now, im enjoying it, its allowing me to free up some space in my head !!

A quest for positivity !!

In our quest to remain positive we decided that we were going to write down a list of 10 things each that we would do if we arent to be blessed with children. So this morning we sat and done it.......quickly right enough before the Chelsea v Liverpool game came on t.v.........ass hole !! lol

so My list is ..

1. New york - i love this city so much yet have never been there !

2. Los Angeles - purely for the glamour

3. Las Vegas - i love the lights !

4. Nice clothes - frequent shopping trips

5. Nice car - not the bubble im driving just now - ironically i got rid of the convertable when we started ttc....silly girl

6. Yearly abroad holidays

7. Good social life

8. Holiday Home

9. Regular pampering sessions

10. Doggy - (this is DF main thing- im going along with it .....im not a big animal lover)

DF list is ..

1. Vegas Baby (he actually wrote that - saddo)

2. A dog

3. A Caravan (his aunt has one on a fabby site on blackpool- we usually go twice a yr)

4. Nice Clothes

5. Supplements (he does natural bodybuilding)

6. New York ( i think this one is for me)

7. 1 abroad holiday per year

8. Season tickets (Celtic)

9. Nice Car

10. Regular Social Life

So we are going to keep these safe....and work our way thru them if the worst happens......fingers crossed we dont get to do it until we retire and the kids have left home !

Pondering on a Saturday Night !

Saturday was nice this week, i went to the gym in the avo and then we went out for dinner and to the cinema at night (Saw 5, scary shit), we needed to get out, just the 2 of us and start having some fun again!!
The restuarant was busy, full of groups of people or couples all out for the night - childless. I found myself looking at couples and wondering, have they got kids? if they do did they just get babysitters? - if they dont have any then they look so happy !! have they been through the same troubles with IF and have come out the other end childless but happy and content.......Will i be like them?? i know after a while if we had to hear the worst ever news that things would get better- there is no point in moping around forever - i just hope it doesnt come to that.
As i said to DF last night im so so so glad i met him all those years ago, i do believe i have found my soul mate with him, even if he had known way back then that there may have been an issue with children, i still would be with him - no question about it. I just dont want him blaming himself. Altho my bloods came back and im ovulating, i could still have blockages or something thats stopping his sperm meet my egg, everyone keeps saying it only takes 1, and if he has 600'000 then im sure one day one wee bugger could get through there...i Love him so much and i would be with him regardless.

Gym Bunny - this will become my new addiction

In this quest for our baby, im figuring that it would be best if i was in the best shape i could be. I am currently about a stone and a half to 2 stone overweight. I am going to attempt to become a gym bunny !!

If IVF is required i really dnt want some doctor telling me there is nothing that can be done until i lose weight or until my BMI is within whatever reasonable limit they have decided for this month...and at the same time my mum has said every time she lost a bit of weight she became pregnant !!! ...gotta give it a shot right!!

DF is the fittest guy i know, he trains at the gym, weight lifts and plays footie, he is so healthy that it is actually unfair his sperm count is low......all these guys out there who are on drugs and smoke and drink excessively and they are producing kids like theres no tomorrow !! Its an unfair world and thats for sure.

So as well as this blog being about out baby journey, it will incorporate our life in general and the journey to me attaining a new bod !! (and if it keeps me off google then all the better). x

Google the devil !!

Google is becoming my fast new addiction. Every new piece of information im hearing or reading about in relation to our situation is being googled. Obviously this then throws up new pieces of information that subsequently require more googling and so on and so on .....

Googley eyed has taken on a whole new meaning for me !!

So far DF testicle size has been under scrutiny - we found a size chart and compared, which shows he is fine - Mr Average!, the poor soul just goes along with my rambling and wheeks them out on demand !! Thats why i love him !

A few close people to us know whats going on, my mam and sister - which has been great, they are so positive about it, and as mam and i both work in the hospital where the infertility consultant is based- (she works with him aswell)- i think that is helping too. A girl in my work has been going through the same altho she is now pregnant, she knows about everything, and my boss knows a little bit, only because i cried in work a day after we found out !!

My online girls know as well.....the SATC chicks, they are going thru it as well, not this exactly, but they have there own issues, apart from one - who is currently pregnant with her 2nd !! yay !!.

As for DF, his cousin and brother know and i think that has helped him as well. Obviously we have each other and ultimately its us thats got to go through this horrible thing - that i wouldnt wish on my worst enemy. Im really thankful im going thru it with him, he has been great - and having the others support is the icing on the cake !

For this moment in time all we have to focus on is getting his spermies healthy and plentiful (if we can)...he is doing everything he can, we are still going to 'try' every month in the hope of that miracle, instead of every day or every other day we will have to leave it a good few days in between and 'try' as close to ovulation so that we arent wasting the wee guys !!.
We are getting through this together and thats the main thing for now !

From the beginning !!

Exactly 2 weeks ago today i was hyper about the wedding we had just planned and my fabulous fiance and I had made the plans to start a family ! everything seemed so perfect !!

Exactly 1 week ago today our world crashed down round about us !!
I will begin at the very beginning.... (i promise no other post will be this long)...

Im 28, and Darling Fiance is 26, soon to be 27 on Christmas Eve. We have been together for 7 years on Christmas Day (engaged 6 yrs on Christmas Day)and are to be married in Cyprus in May 2010.

I had implanon implant in and got it taken out in September 2007, it was due to come out and we had talked about planning a family. We moved house in May 2008 and decided to start trying for a baby !!
We started our first cycle of 'seriously' ttc in June 2008 (i was already ovulating in May when we had decided)...and so it began, ... symptom spotting ...2weekwait....period.....ovulating.....symptom spotting....2 weekwait......period.....and so on and blah blah and blah ! Naturally we thought we would get pregnant soon, we knew it could take up to a year so were kind of chilled out, apart from the vitamins, the timed baby dance(sex)sessions, the ovulation sticks, the hpt sticks, the cervical mucus checking ...ahem....yeh we were pretty chilled !

So anyway we registered with our Dr's surgery in the new area where we lived he went through everything...(pro-active so and so) and as i had been without contraception for a yr he thought we should have been pregnant by now, i didnt mention that we had only been trying a few months, i thought what the hell, better knowing sooner rather than later if anything was wrong). I suffer heavy painful periods, so endometriosis has always been in the back of my mind .....Darling fiance was born with undescended testes that werent fixed till he was 5 !! (stupid assy hole docs) researching this i have since found it should have been fixed before he was 1 or as soon as possible - so we knew there was a possibility that fertility may have been decreased !

I got bloods taken and the darling one had to provide a semen sample !!...Bloods came back fine...im ovulating...Good. Sample came back - not so good - 200'000 wee guys per/ml ..... so roughly 600'000 total count..sounds like bloody loads doesnt it ??....i mean 600'000 chocolate buttons every other day could get me REALLY fat, but 600'000 sperm cant get me really pregnant.....wtf !! - its a helluva lot ..well apparently its not ...it should be about 20 million.....what a bloody waste considering it only takes one ..(if i hear this one more time by the way i may spontaneously combust). The ones that are there are swimming gr8 and have a good morphology (so they all look fine). Is that meant to be the icing on the cake ??
I cried for 3 days solid and couldnt face eating, every positive thought i mustered up was beaten up and drowned by 2 negative thoughts...but... i have finally pulled myself together, with the help of DF (darling fiance) he has been amazing !... and just when im getting back to some state of normality darling one crumbles..God Love Him !! ......im glad tho, he needed to, and has been slowly but surely better every day too !
So 7 days on im here...i have stopped crying ....so has he.....i am eating again......he never really stopped !!
and another sample is booked in...he is wearing loose boxers, taking vitamins not overheating his area.....he is still not on talking terms with his chooks but im sure that will resolve itself in time !!
We do the test on 9th Dec 2008 and get the results on 19th Dec - Merry Christmas Ho effin Ho !!! Please let it be better !!
Ironically the week we got 'THE' news my lucky bonsai tree died....every single leaf has fallen off. After some tender loving care its starting to get better slowly, it has some new leaves and is coming to life again...Sounds familiar !
I am feeling so much more positive and im sleeping better, its the waking i hate, for that split second where i dont know where i am - life is good- and then i get the familiar lurch deep in my stomach and everything come back to me in a sickening rush, rolling over and swiftly falling asleep again becomes increasingly difficult.

The doctors have mentioned that if the results stay the same we will need to consider IVF/ICSI to become pregnant and have the baby (squirt) we dream of !!