Looks like im keepin 'somethin' alive inside me !!

A rip roarin infection !!
Could be a cyst, could be a polyp, could be a fibroid.....could be a case of vaginosis (wtf)...!!!
Something nasty is causing chaos inside me..... im 12 days late, still no sign of af, no baby but plenty of crappy stuff !!
saw the Doc this am, she took swabs and stuff, and ill get my results next week !! Gr8 fun eh !!
Awaiting an ultrasound - next set of SA tests are due on the 9th....Looks like we are a right pair of infertiles lol....it can only make us stronger !!!

An update ....finally - and an end to all this shit !

Well i saw a gyn guy today - he is fabby and very very nice, he is my new hero !! (sorry df)
He took my bloods to check for hcg level, and it came back less than 5 so im not pregnant !!
Im ok with it im just so glad i finally know, i can finally breathe out !

Df is ok too, a bit dissapointed obviously but he is fine and has been a star !!
Gyn guy wants me to go for a scan to try and figure out why im 11 days late and whats going on - im happy with that as it gives me a head start for ferility treatment, and if there is anything wrong they can sort it quicker than finding it 4 weeks before ivf/icsi. So now its back to the idea of this .........

Ive taken a holiday tomorrow as well, i need it, and df is off too so we will have some well deserved time together !!
So for now we are back to concentrating on Christmas and the wedding. x x x

Still no further forward.....

Hi...
well 10 days late ..... got a line yesterday (a 2nd line that is)...it was pink , in fact its still there, but the one i done this morning was negative and the one after that was negative !!
so God knows whats going on....
Feel -so so so tired, yucky, like someone has stuck a needle in my arse and sucked every bit of life out of me, no appetite but if i can eat i feel better, jaggy boobs on and off, peing like a camel, had peachy coloured discharge on monday, and the BACKACHE.....oh my gosh the backache is a killer !!!!!!

So still dont know and am super pissed off now.....bye x

i am a cow .........(davie actually wrote that while i was in the loo...ass hole)

Yeh i prob am being a cow....im 7 DAYS LATE....and every test ive taken is negative.....every - single - one !!!

I am gubbed, exhausted, backache, tummy ache, tired beyond belief, not hungry one minute and starving the next...crabby and have the shortest fuse in the history of the world !!

God knows what goin on but im gonna try for a doc appointment in the morning !!

Ill update as soon as i know anything

Sorry for the long delay in replying !!

Well im now on day 32 of a 28 day cycle !!

I am 4 days late !!....and have had 2 negative HPT's, what the hell is going on !!

In my whole entire life, i have never missed a period altogether or had one later than a 29 day cycle, maybe a 30 one that ive totally forgotten about, but, i have NEVER been this late..!

In my heart im wondering if i CAN be pregnant due to our results, but then i remember miracles do happen and i have so many people praying for me and i know the relatives i speak to regular, altho not on this earth, will be doing all they can for me for way up there.

And the results arent set in stone yet, we have only done blood tests on me and on SA on my darling other half !

Why am i late ?

If im not pregnant - which im not according to HPT's, then what is the reason..?? this has never happened before..

At what point do i go to the doctors !! aarrgghhhh

I have a few symptoms of pregnancy and my period really doesnt feel like its coming at all !.

Im not stressed and have had a regular period since being given our news..ad i know i ovulated this month. I do not over exercise and dont have an eating disorder....so why ??

Goddamit !!!

So here we are still waiting.....Other half is a nervous wreck every time i say i need the loo......which is a lot by he way, but i think its more for the pant check than anything else !!

Just waiting !!!

Well tomorrow is THE day ....the day of the month i dread......Voldemort is due tomorrow....

as it stands just now ive had nothing but a few mild niggles to indicate the imminent arrival....and im not cranky ...at all !!....wow..im really getting used to this bleeding malarky.

Naturally i want it to stay away, and on the flip side im glad it arrives when it does as i know im ovulating well and the chances of there being something wrong with me are reduced slightly ..

So .... i guess for now ill just have to wait....

Have my prayers been answered and i have a tiny little miracle growing inside me....or

Is Voldemort gonna raise his ugle head tomorrow....

Tune in , ill report tomorrow !! xx

Is it any wonder we get scunnered !!

Im not judging....but seriously....what the hell is wrong in the world !!!

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/article1929704.ece

I just dont get it !! x

Speaking Out and Speaking Up !!

I have no idea how to work this award properly but i read it here ....http://angryinfertile.blogspot.com/
I am dealing with this crap just now and i hate it, im being more positive that i will be a mother one day, somehow and i just wish no one else in the world had to go through this......unfortunately many people are ....

So if you're out there, this is for you:

If you could make a little house from used pee sticks and OPKs
If you talk in TTC acronyms nobody except people on the internet understand
If you have ever been stuck with any needles in order to achieve pregnancy
If you have had to stick yourself, or your husband has had to turn into your nurse in order to do it for you
If you've ever seen a blank ultrasound screen
If you know what a cootercam is
If you have ever gotten shower invites, family photos, or birth announcements in the mail and had a good cry
If you have watched someone go through an entire cycle of pregnancy in the time it took you to even try
If you have ever heard "just relax" or "it's not your time" or "it's God's will"

If you dread holidays because you cannot announce a pregnancy to your family
If you dread holidays because there are no children to share them with
If you have ever held a baby or child and quietly pretended for a second that they're yours
If you have ever walked around the store in order to avoid the baby/toddler section
If you cannot park in the front spots of a store because they are for pregnant and expectant mothers only
If you've ever had to go IN the baby/toddler section of a store in order to buy something for someone else's baby
If you've ever yelled out during watching a movie or tv show about someone who's trying for a baby, "That's SO not realistic!"
If you've ever sat around with a group of women who shared birth stories and labor pains and felt like you didn't fit in
If you've ever told anyone you are infertile and they're response was, "That sucks. I'm super fertile! I can have all the kids I want!"
If a fertile person ever told you that they would be your surrogate because they have no problem getting pregnant
If you have ever gotten a shower invite through email while sitting at work trying to forget about TTC
If you know what an RE is
If you have ever graphed out your cycle on chart paper
If you have ever checked to see if your cervical mucus was eggwhite or clear, or could stretch 5 inches between your fingers and you know people in the next stall over are thinking, "WTF is she doing in there?"
If you were disappointed that you couldn't find any
If you have kept a HPT or OPK in your purse to use when you were at work or out just in case
If you can't wait to see the peak symbol
If you have ever spat on a microscope in order to see ferns
If you laugh when people tell you to use pillows under your butt after sex
If you have picked out crib bedding or nursery decor online and you're not pregnant
If you have ever felt panic when seeing a pregnant lady

If you meet the criteria above, or you'd like to submit your own, please post the following award on your blog. This is for all of the women who will no longer be silent about their infertility. This is to remind you that you need not be ashamed and you are definately not alone. This is to remind you to speak up the next time someone gives you fertility assvice.
Rules for posting award:
Link back to this post so that others will read the original story behind the award
Nominate 4 others who have not been "silent about their infertility"
Enjoy speaking out and speaking up :D

My New Revelations are PISS !!

** This wee cartoon is rude......if ur easily offended...dont read on !!**
I fekin hate google, its providing me with all the information i am asking it to provide me with....and im getting utterly pissed off, why does it have to be so efficient, why for once can it not just realise im typing out of neuroticness (i dnt care if its not a word - it is now - ok ) ...i dont really want it to answer me all the time !!!

The waiting list here is approximately a year and a half to 2 years - Christ All Bloody Mighty. !! (sorry for the bad language- my granny millsip will be turning in her grave - my granny mcginnis will be lighting up a fag, backing a horse telling my dad off for teaching me such words)

In addition to this new and truly exciting revelation, if I need IVF/ICSI ...they have reduced it to 2 cycles......yes 2 now, not 3 but ...2 ...TWO....!! bastards, i bet none of those fuckers are infertile....the swines probably have football teams of kids at home !!!!!

What can one do with his knowledge.....unless you want more profanities and a fantastic display of spontaneous combustion..i shall keep that knowledge to myself for now !!!

I seriously need to get on this list ASAP....if i leave it much longer.....or should i say if those ass holes make us have any more tests they will have reduced it to ONE attempt !!!..

This is a record swearing post.....do u know Voldemort is due to visit on Monday.... so that make me have PMT....so im allowed to swear....Mother if u ever read this, i apologise, Father if u ever read this, rest assured my granny blames u for my bad language..

'Wee Joke'

Two sperm were swimming through a woman's body. The first said, "Whew. I'm getting tired. Just how far is it to the uterus?""The uterus?" the second laughed. "We're not even past the esophagus yet!"

Babydust to me, im sick of giving t out to everyone else !!

What the fuck !!

One of my SATC girls and very good friend is on at me to remain positive......so here it is ......

Today im 7dpo....and ..i have ewcm, and frikin loads of it, what the fek !!!!

Talk about confusing a girl !!!

Im trying not to think too much into it and dare not think it could be a sign that my prayers and endless begging has been answered !! Instead i believe my horrid horrid rat arse of a body is playing silly tricks on me !! i have wee cramps too.

It seems ironic my last post was full of prayers, and tonight im cursing like a loon, but im allowed to rant and vent here, so ill say what i bloody well please !!! so there !!

In other news, my other fantabulous friend in work knows !! and she was gr8, i could tell she wanted to cry for me, but she stayed strong ! she has been through quite a bit herself so i know she knows what its like to feel pain ! Its good having friends knowing - it takes a load off !

We are both getting married a month apart in 2010, so we can get excited about that together ... yay ...

She told me today to ask my guardian angel for help as her mum firmly believes in this, so guess who ill be talking to tonight ....... im also going to be in her prayers , i have gr8 friends !.

Im in mortal agony from the body pump session yesterday... must be good for me.

Im asking for help !!

Prayer to Saint Anthony of Padua, Performer of Miracles

Dear Saint Anthony, your prayers obtained miracles during your lifetime. You still seem to move at ease in the realm of minor and major miracles. Saint Anthony, Performer of Miracles, please obtain for me the blessings God holds in reserve who serve Him. Pray that I may be worthy of the promises my Lord Jesus attaches to confident prayer. That i will be blessed with a child or children of my own. Amen.

Prayer to St Gerard (unofficial saint to those seeking motherhood)

Good St Gerard, powerful intercessor before the throne of God, wonder-worker of our day, I call upon you and seek your aid. You know that our marriage has not as yet been blessed with a child and how much my husband and I desire this gift. Please present our fervent pleas to the Creator of life from whom all parenthood proceeds and beseech Him to bless us with a child whom we may raise as His child and heir of Heaven. Amen.

**note to self, get a St Gerard medal**

Patron Saint of Infertile Men

PRAYER TO ST. NICHOLAS OF MYRA O Saint Nicholas, bountiful Father and special Patron of our Byzantine Catholic Church. You are a shepherd and teacher to all who invoke your protection, and who, by devout prayer, call upon you for aid. Hasten and save the flock of Christ from ravenous wolves; and by your holy prayers protect all Christians and save them from worldly disturbances, earthquakes, attacks from abroad, from internal strife, from famine, flood, fire, sword, and sudden death. As you had mercy on those three men in prison and saved them from the king's wrath, now also have mercy on me who by word, deed, and thought have sunk into the darkness of sin. Save me from the just anger of God, and from eternal punishment. Through your intercession and aid as well as through his own mercy and grace, may Christ our God allow me to lead a tranquil and sinless life, and save me from standing at "his left," but deem me worthy to stand at "his right" with all the saints. Amen.

St Rita of Cascia, Patron Saint for Infertility and hopeless cases

Glorious St. Rita, patroness of those in need/ your intercession with our Lord is most powerful./ Through the favors obtained by your prayers/ you have been called Advocate of hopeless and even impossible cases./ St. Rita, humble and pure; patient and compassionate lover of Christ Crucified!/ We have confidence that everyone who has recourse to you, will find comfort and relief./ Listen to our petitions and show your power with God in our behalf./ Obtain our petitions for us/ if they are for the greater honor of God, and for our good./ We promise, if our petitions are granted,/ to make known your favor, and to glorify God for His gift./ Relying on your power with the merciful Savior, we ask of you to bless us with a child or children to love and cherish.

Why do i do it ???

Tonight is x-factor night, in addition to this i have read every ivf story i could find on a gr8 website called ivf connections !!...Some cycles have worked 1st time, some 2nd, some 3rd....and some not at all.....i go thru the 'oh my god it worked first time' to 'oh my god it didnt work at all' and what will happen to me, will i be in the lucky group or the 'im sorry theres nothing more we can do for u group'.....

I know by reading this stuff im preparing myself for whats probably going to happen to us, at the same time is ignorance really bliss ?? Im thinking probably not when faced with shitty infertility !!

So this time nxt month my christmas tree will be up and we will be preparing for another SA ..the 9th of december is THE day.....the results are backon the 19th of December !! Aaaaarrrghhhhhh, if its the same then fine, im dealing with it, if its better, great it might give us more options......if its normal then why am i not pregnant?? and if it worse where can i buy a gun ?? No seriously if its worse then i dnt know what ill be like....i have to start trying to prepare for that now.... even if there are only a few we can still get ICSI ...if they r good ones....

Fingers Crossed and lots of prayers please please please !!!

My dream and the interpretation of it !!

I had this dream.....in the dream i was sitting on a hill thinking about IVF....(its all ive bloody thought about awake, why does it have to be in my dreams too??)

Anyway, i saw my dad at the bottom of the hill and i havent told him yet about whats going on so i shouted on him as i was going to tell him ... he saw me and started to come up the hill to see me as he neared i saw him looking over my head in terror......i turned round and looked up and at the very top of the hill i saw the most evil looking man with the most horrid eyes !...he was staring at me...like he was going to come down to where i was and kill me, but had been stopped by seeing my dad ....anyway my dad ran up and picked me up (now i know im dreaming lol) and ran to the bottom of the hill to safety !!

So i relayed this to my friend in work who is aware of my situation ....she thinks ....the hill represents my problem (the infertility and ivf), and the scary man is my guilt for not telling my dad......clever eh !!......I will tell him, just not yet, ill wait till later and see what happens with these tests and stuff !! No need for anyone else to be worrying ! xx

The 2ww is a pisser !!!!

Im trying so hard not to remember im in the 2 ww.....after all can anything actually happen for me?

when im not thinking about it, the niggling feelings low down remind me that this time last month i would be noting down every wee symtpom and hoping and praying that it meant a baby was trying frantically to stick to my uterus !!

Urgh its horrible.....ive been better this week, i have been up to lots with work and the gym and wrapping chrstmas pressies !! yup u got it ....Christmas is almost here !! yay

Well anyways im 5dpo so ive still got a bit of a way to go in this 2ww malarky. Ive been chatting away in work to the pregnant girls..... they r doing really well and one had a scan and everything is gr8 and the other has hers on Tuesday its exciting for her !! hopefully it will calm herdown a wee bit - shes mental, but in a lovely way !.....its been ok chatting to them, my tummy isnt lurching as much as it did, i think im accepting whats happening to me a bit better now. Some are asking if the baby thing is on hold till after the wedding in May 2010....im just saying yes !

I havent prayed for a while but im finding myself talking to those above more often now, is this normal? am i being a hypocrit? - i do it then feel bad .....am i only doing it as i need help? do those above feel used ?? damn my catholic guilt !

In other news my bonsai is fully 'leaved' again....im so pleased....it 'died' the same week we got our bad news, but i looked after it and its back to full health again !!! im hoping is mirroring my life and the tests were rotten but now they will be back to normal again next month !

Went to tesco tonight instead of asda ....... it was shit !! Note to self never to go again !!!

Oh happy days !!

Hey, not much to blog about really, this will be a quiet month ....

i have a diet blog running alongside this, i was going to lump it together in the one blog but it could get confusing and full of cack, so im doing a seperate blog !!

Im feeling good this week, had a nice weekend off...and im feeling bad now for moaning about the pregnant girls -they are so lovely and i can listen to them talk their baby talk this week (so far) without feeling like someone is ripping out my womb and ovaries at the same time.....i swear if i listen close enough my womb is screaming and crying albeit a bit quieter this week !

So its taken me 3 weeks to get to this stage - good to remember for the future - if required !!.x

Happy November !!

Another good day all round, got a long lie which was well needed and got myself ready, indulged in some shopping with the skin and blister ....and sat in at night with a very healthy evening meal of pizza chips pakora and naan bread......yup my diet has begun !!!!

ah well at least i havent cried ! lol

Tummy is sore, ovulating is a pisser especially when u cant really expect anything from the 2ww (Two week wait)..

Got some christmas presents in today, all for the kids right enough - everyone elses bloody kids !! thats them all nearly bought for ! then i can move onto the adult stuff .

November is going to be my good month, December will become wobbly again, so im making November be good to me !